Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

Last night, Bobby and the crew left Colorado with a mission:

Selling some robots.

I imagine it went a little something . . . like this:

Bob Geren: Huston! Huston!!

Huston Street: Yah, coach?

Bob Geren: Tell Billy that if he gets a centerfielder to be sure it speaks Stoner.

Huston Street: It looks like we don’t have much of a choice, but I’ll remind him.

(Huston walks over to Billy, who is examining a motley crew of our expendable players, lined up in front of our sandcrawler private jet.)

Billy Beane: (Glances at Langerhans) I have no need for an outfielder who can’t hit.

Langerhans: Sir — not in an environment such as this — that’s why I’ve also been programmed for over thirty defensive functions that . . .

Billy Beane: What I really need is a centerfielder who understands the language of the stoners I’ve got in my outfield.

Langerhans: Sir, my first major league job was working alongside Andruw Jones!

Billy Beane: And that relates how?

Langerhans: Why do you think he’s smiling all the time?

Billy Beane: Maybe he’s just happy.

Langerhans: He’s also afraid of frogs.

Billy Beane: I see. (turns to Bobby) I’ll take this one. And that one, too (points to Woodward). Huston, take these two down to the clubhouse. I want both of them greasy and unshaven before Tuesday’s game.

Huston: But I was going to drive down to San Francisco to go to yoga class with Zito!!

Billy Beane: You can waste time with the other hippies when your chores are done! Now come on, get to it!

(Bobby and Billy begin to negotiate. Billy takes a few bucks out of his pocket, and Huston walks toward the homestead Coliseum with Langerhans and Woodward. Smoke starts pouring out of Woodward.)

Huston: Billy!! This utility infielder . . . sucks!! Look!

Billy Beane: (To Bobby) Hey, what are you trying to push on me??

Bobby: (Incomprehensible fussing)

Langerhans: (Points to Orr) Excuse me, sir, but that utility infielder is in prime condition! A real bargain.

Orr: (Whistles and beeps in excitement)

Billy Beane: Uh. No thanks.

And so Langerhans heads off into the night, toward his new home:

Who knew Langerhans could ride a camel? I guess that’s how it works out in California. Don’t worry, Langy, your new home looks a lot more hospitable in the light of day:

Well, sort of. Enjoy starting in centerfield and trying to figure out American League pitching — should be interesting! I think a change of atmosphere can only do him good.