V Vernacular

07/28/2007 (1:51 pm)

Braves Wives: The 2007 Power Rankings

Filed under: Non-Braves

ATTENTION:

All of you people who are finding my site by searching for “brian mccann girlfriend,” “andruw jones wife,” “kelly johnson girlfriend,” and “jeff francoeur when are you getting married,” (as if Google is an extension of Frenchy’s consciousness, if only) etc.?

This is the post for you! Behold the information you have sought!

As for those of you who are searching for “mojo barbeque freakin hot sauce” and “langerhans charity pictures” (which at this point I can only assume are pictures of Langerhans accepting charity) I can’t help you, sorry. And for the guy who found the site on three separate occasions while searching for “how does velcro look like”: dude, I don’t know that anyone can help you. Oh, and “huston street gossip”? Um, email me.

Anyway, on to the fun!

Braves’ Wives: The 2007 POWER RANKINGS!

1. Kim Hudson

She’s totally the boss of the wives. I mean check out those pearls. She even wrote the Wife Gossip section in the back of this month’s ChopTalk magazine (she’s taken over the press! An important step in maintaining rule). Huddy’s wife seems to head up a lot of the organization’s charitable efforts, thus she is queen.

2. Nicole Jones

Andruw’s wife may have, at one time, been queen of the wives, but with her husband struggling mightily this year (not to mention OKT outing Andruw on Braves Live for wearing a bandanna that “a lady” gave to him, then having the ever-clueless Jerome Jurenovich make a bad joke about Andruw’s status as a “single” guy, ouch!), she has fallen to the number two spot. Still, very active in the community and married to the only guy on the team who was on Cribs, she’s pretty darn powerful.

3. Catie McCoy

Future queen of the wives, no doubt. She’s marrying Frenchy, which makes her Mrs. Franchise, and she’s already started doing charity events with him. They’ve known each other since they were kids, and apparently Chipper withheld his sage advice on that one. Probably best not to get involved. Good luck, kids! For the person who was wondering when they’re getting married: November.

4. Ashley Jarusinski

I’ve always gotten the impression that Heap’s fiancee doesn’t care that much about getting seen at franchise events or doing tandem interviews with her man, which makes her okay in my book. Still, she falls in at a solid fourth on the Wife Power Rankings, because hello, she’s marrying the first Baby Brave to sign for big money. I was a little disappointed to see her wearing Clemens’ wife’s bedazzled merchandise in the All-Star parade, but hey, maybe Debbie was pushing the stuff on everyone. (Oh and how great is Heap wearing the SAME SHIRT he wore in the All-Star parade last year, ahahaha!!). Soon-to-be Mrs. Heap is also proud co-owner of the New Dogs (not to be confused with the Old Dogs, of course).

5. Julie James

Chuckie’s wife was featured on a promo at the park this season, her dude is third in our rotation (doesn’t mean a ton these days, but still), and look at her, she’s cute as hell! This earns her the fifth spot on the power charts easily.

6. Lauren Thacker

As far as I’m concerned, Scooter’s fiancee blows ‘em all out of the water. She’s got an engineering degree from Tech, she picked Scooter, who is clearly the sweetest of the Baby Braves, and c’mon, she’s like, the prettiest by far. Still, Scooter’s been platooned of late despite his good performance this year, and he’s kind of retiring and unassuming, so she remains at sixth in the power rankings, which I’m sure she could care less about, since she’s busy being an engineer and all. The story of Scooter’s proposal is just wincingly adorable — I don’t really get the part where they’re already on their knees and don’t have anywhere to sit (weren’t they at a restaurant?), but whatever, you kids are too cute.

7. Liezel Yates

She’s Hawaiian and tiny, pretty regularly present at team charity functions, and her husband did surprisingly well in the first half. All that adds up the lucky number seven spot in the rankings.

8. Sharon Jones

Why isn’t Chipper’s wife higher in the power rankings? For the same reason I don’t have a picture of her (though there are plenty on his official website) — she is so over this scene. She didn’t even know who Chipper was when they met (honest!), and she’s got more important stuff to do (like raising three kids). Good for you, Mrs. Jones. Oh, and unfortunately for everyone because it would have been quite a love story, she is not the Hooters waitress. There were rumors for awhile that she and Chipper lived next door to the Hooters waitress in matching giant mansions, but alas, those also proved false.

9. Leslee Diaz

Matty’s wife looks nice. I just want to hug her or something. She’s also one of the few remaining wives who I have a picture of, and I assume she’s unfalteringly humble like Matty, so I’m sure she’s satisfied with her position toward the bottom of the top ten.

10. Ashley Saltalamacchia

Salty has the best wife story of all, as I’m sure you’ve all heard by now. Fourteen years older, taught at his highschool . . . Salty, you are a badass as ever. Ashley just had a baby last year and is already quite pregnant again — can ya blame her? She’s at the bottom of the list because she’s new (and because her husband is constantly talked about as trade bait), but she makes the top ten anyway, married to a number one prospect and a hell of an accomplished cradle robber. I don’t have a picture, but I’ve seen her on TV cheering him on — tall and skinny with long dark hair. I’m a big fan of the S’lamacchias and their non-cliche romance — if Salty ends up hanging around, maybe his wife could usurp the title of queen one day.