Can’t We Just Skip June?

Things are looking bleak. The starting rotation hasn’t been this bad in awhile, and having our one dependable starter getting over an injury doesn’t help. The offense is so frustrating, I feel like I know what will happen before our innings even begin. When we get breaks like the few we had last night on opponents’ errors and weird infield hits, we can’t do anything with them. We can’t do anything with the Mets handing us the division for the past week — it’s just sitting there, in the palm of an open blue and orange hand, and while we stand around scratching our butts and tripping over ourselves, the Phillies are sneaking around our shoulders, ready to grab it.

Yesterday I was looking through my site’s records of the search phrases that have led people here since I started posting in February, and it was way more amusing than I expected. I figure everyone needs a laugh right now, so I thought I’d post some of my best findings . . .

Velcro:

“good and bad things about velcro”
“velcro were it came from”
“why did he made velcro”
“why did someone make velcro”

Looking To Land a Ballplayer:

“kelly johnson braves girlfriend”
“brayan pena girlfriend status”
“kelly johnson and atlanta braves and wife”
“tony pena jr married?”
“brian mccann s girlfriend”
“cole hamels admirer”
“salty wife braves”
“jorge sosas girlfriend” (WHY??)

Gossip:

“pictures of ryan langerhans wedding”
“why did john smoltz and wife get divorced”
“francoeur a-rod sandwich”
“whatever happened to mark wohlers”
“chipper jones hooters photo”

Exteremely Bizarre:

“bobby with velcro”
“looking for picture of tiger wood as a child wearing glasses”
“brayan pena s mother”
“baseball donuts”
“jon sciambi salary” (Joe Simpson, is that you?)
“pete van wieren shaved head”
“velcro scooter number plates”
“longest mullet”
“does jeff francoeur wear glasses” (No . . .?)
“french boobs” (haha, boobs! Why French in particular?)
“pitchers of a cheeseburger” (Wicky?)
“eerily calm after about seven or eight beers” (what?!)
“happy everything platter with velcro”
“velociraptor sound byte”
“jeff francoeur groin”
“lots of cole slaw”

How Did This Lead To My Site??:

“miniature scroll rods for wedding invitations”
“hillary duff smoking”
“quotations on dracula”
“he ll make it alright bobby jones gospel”

The Famous Chipper Scares Wicky Video:

“does anyone have a video of chipper jones scaring wickman?”
“video of jones scaring wickman”
“wickman jones funny clip”
“wickman scared by chipper”
(and many more variations)

Sounds Like Something I Would Search For:

“doofy sports announcers”
“can i wear a sundress to baseball game?” (In Atlanta? Hell yes!)
“crazed baseball fans jumping onto the field”
“joey devine life biography”
“funny bobby cox quotes”

I Laughed For Like Ten Minutes:

“does andruw jones have a mom”

What I learned from this:

–A lot of people think Our Katy Temple is hot (she’s one of my top search phrases, along with Hillary Duff, because I made a joke about her dating Zito once)

–A lot of girls want to know if Heap is engaged. Apparently they have come to terms with Frenchy’s engagement — not really much about Frenchy was searched for on the romantic front (unless you count the one about his groin, yikes!).

–Someone out there really wants to hook up with Brayan Pena.

–Someone thinks Andruw might have been a test tube baby.