V Vernacular

Our Reluctant All-Star

When I first heard that Heap made the All-Star team, I was thrilled. A reason to watch all the hoopla! The possibility of more pictures of Heap riding around in The Heap Truck while modestly pawing through his goodie bag! Will LaRussa call him “Mike,” or will he come up with his own “nickname” for Heap? And check out the radical digs he gets to wear:

Even better than the tasteful mustard yellow NL shirts they dressed him in last year. So, fun times, right? Nah, not really. Because there are too many good shortstops in the NL right now, so Rent got jipped, and even my mother, a lapsed Catholic, has nothing on Heap when it comes to guilt.

“I’m happy to be going,” McCann said. “But I don’t feel like I really deserve it.”

I understand why he feels that way, but the players selected him, and you know what that really means? Who was going to be Russell Martin’s backup if not Heap? Miguel Olivo? So and so from the Phillies? I kinda doubt it. It would have been Lo Duca, who didn’t get the fan vote this year. So putting Heap on the team is a recognition of the talent that his average for the first half of the season doesn’t necessarily reflect, and it’s also the NL players coming together to say, “You know what? Paul Lo Duca is a freakin’ douchebag. Let’s deny him every possible honor.”

For that reason, Heap has nothing to be ashamed of. He should enjoy himself in San Francisco, knowing that he’s part of the greater good: everyone on the National League team will have a better time because he’s there, and because this little fellow is not.

But I don’t want to see ANY MORE OF THIS during the All-Star game, mister:

Anyone who tries to pull a Pete Rose will be assassinated by myself. Actually probably by Frenchy, but, you know. I’d volunteer to help him get rid of the body, or what have you.

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5 responses to “Our Reluctant All-Star”

  1. jaleesagirl Avatar
    jaleesagirl

    That picture was like on my myspace for about a day. I felt I had to expose the blatant injustice that had been done to Ol’ Heap at that game. Kudos to Heap for turning extremely red after getting PWNED something proper BUT not going Madea on that guy’s punk ass. Very classy.

    And it’s OBVIOUS they picked him because he’s the least likely not to start crap, that one single game where he had veins bulging out of his neck notwithstanding.

    1. Jenny Avatar
      Jenny

      All I have to say about Heap and collisions is . . . Eric Byrnes had better hope we never cross paths in a dark alley. Or that I’m never sitting in the outfield when the Diamondbacks play in Atlanta, because he will be wearing beer for most of the evening.

      There is no such thing as a clean play at the plate when Heap is involved. I’m just glad most of the assists he gets are from Frenchy, who always throws up the line.

  2. jaleesagirl Avatar
    jaleesagirl

    That’s good I guess. I’m still extremely new to baseball and it astonishes me how it can sometimes resemble sumo wrestling. -_-

  3. RainDelay Avatar
    RainDelay

    LoDuca is a douchebag. Speaking of that, he has no neck and resembles a duffel bag with legs. I normally have a lot of respect for catchers no matter the team (I used to be one, and I was lucky enough to try out for the Braves in 1991. It was one of those ‘open’ tryouts..but I digress) but for some reason I can’t stand LoDuca. I mean, he’s a Met and formerly a Dodgers, that’s two strikes against right there.

    1. Jenny Avatar
      Jenny

      I normally have a lot of respect for catchers no matter the team

      Same here, but he’s such a pissy little troll. He reminds me of my least favorite ballplayer of all time, Chuck Knoblauch.

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