I don’t even know where to begin. This is like the Davies “Heap and Frenchy were snobby when I sucked!” retrospective times a thousand. Daniel, when I said you’d made my morning by sending me this link, I really meant you’d made my week.

I never even knew the whole backstory about Heap’s older brother (better dead than Reds? I knew there was a reason I had that phrase stuck in my head last night at dinner). Any article about Heap is of course a delight, but, I mean:

Brian is supposed to be laid-back and beloved in the clubhouse; I hear Brad is a hothead, and he’s probably bitter.

ESPN was NOT fucking around, ya’ll. I basically stopped watching their television channel a few months ago because, well, I just don’t like Barry Bonds that much, thanks, but this article is excellent, no joke. I actually laughed out loud in disbelief at this:

Is Brad the favorite son?

Oh yeah, they went there. Of course, Heap and his brother did not bite. Heap is polite and adorable throughout — there’s even a mention that he called his mom to make sure she wouldn’t say anything during her interview that would imply that he’s better than his brother. He’s actually referred to as “kind of a stuffed animal” at one point. Which is, yeah, accurate.

And then, the brother, who, let’s face it, we’re all sort of wanting to be a little bitter and weird, right, cause how could he not be? Dude is living on a farm with a host family while playing for the Royals’ A-ball team (their mascot is a piece of celery), and when the reporter tells him that Heap says he’d trade places with him if he could, he busts out this little speech:

“I wouldn’t let it happen,” he said, leaning across the table. “Brian has busted his ass since he was a little kid. He’s gonna be there for a long time, and he deserves it. He is my best friend. He’s my brother. I tell him all the time, ‘Whenever something goes bad for me, I’m glad it’s me and not you.’

He’s a freaking Byronic hero, you guys. They’ve got the description of his dreamy looks and everything.

So, I’m pretty much floored. Here’s my only issue with this Pulitzer Prize worthy article:

His teammates call him Heaps, as in heaps o’ fries.

Um, not quite, but a noble effort.






22 responses to ““Heap(s)!””

  1. jaleesagirl Avatar


    we all know Brian doesn’t dance.

    but it looks like brad doesn’t dance either.


    …he will bust a cap in yo ass.

    1. Jenny Avatar

      It makes sense, really, that Heap would have this dark older brother who saves him from rabid dogs and stuff. I hope he got some kind of Medal of Honor for that.

      1. Jaleesa Avatar

        Indeed. Or eternal karma because G-d adores protective and caring badasses.

        I hope he’s single as well.

        Did I just type that??

        1. Jenny Avatar

          Eh, it’s okay. I’m married, and I had the same thought, briefly. It’s the Byronic Hero thing, I’m telling you.

  2. RainIsBeautiful Avatar

    That article made my Sunday. I used to subscribe to ESPN the Magazine, but now it looks like I’m going to have to stop by the bookstore on the way home to see any accompanying pictures.

    1. Jenny Avatar

      I think there is one — they showed a quick flash of it on the game yesterday. Hook me up with a scan if you get it.

      1. RainIsBeautiful Avatar

        Will do! Speaking of pics on TV, I still can’t get over the pic of Brad and Brian and Smoltzie 10 years ago — Brad looks his real age (14 or 15?) and Brian looks 9, even though he’s 13. Aaaand…Smoltzie looks the same. Heh. (I remember seeing that last season some time and wondering how old Brian was — I had no idea he was 13.)

        1. Jenny Avatar

          He was thirteen in that picture?? Wow. That picture always freaks me out anyway, because he looks exactly like my cousin did as a kid, which Explains A Lot, I guess, because my cousin was my childhood BFF.

        2. RainIsBeautiful Avatar

          Yep, the commentators (don’t remember if this was on TBS or SS) said that the pic was taken in 1997.

  3. Leah Avatar

    You gotta get the nickname right. No one but us few fans and Heap and probably Frenchy, too, know the real story. Maybe even a few others know. But I mean, come on? Can they not think of something better than that? I know I can, heh. Yeah, anyway. *grins innocently*

    Chip and Joe (I think it was Joe?) need to stop poking fun at Heap when he’s on base and about him stealing. He’s not the fastest player, but he’s a cute, lovable, little turtle. :D

    1. RainDelay Avatar

      Before I knew of the “Heap” nickname, I was calling Heap “wheels”. Being a former catcher, I know what it’s like carrying both the piano and it’s player on my back running the bases. lol

      1. Leah Avatar

        That’s kind of funny and makes sense because he does look like that, lol.

    2. Jenny Avatar

      probably Frenchy, too

      Ha, of course – you KNOW he’s the one who came up with it in the first place.

      I know what you mean about Joe. It always breaks my heart when they insinuate that he was fast before the injury last year, too. For one thing . . . I don’t think he was, really?

      1. Leah Avatar

        If Frenchy came up with Heap’s nickname, I wounder what Heap’s nickname for Frenchy is. Hmm.

        He wasn’t that much faster, but fast enough that he was able to steal two bases last year. Stupid Eric Byrnes.

        1. Jenny Avatar

          I wonder what Heap’s nickname for Frenchy is.

          I’ve wondered that myself . . . my favorite Frenchy nickname is still “Marv,” after the guy in Home Alone. I forget where I read that.

    3. RainIsBeautiful Avatar

      He wasn’t ever Otis Nixon-fast, but he was definitely faster than he is now. He also looks a bit heavier now than he was last year; that may be a factor.

      Joe’s an ass. I’ve worked with him at a couple of charity events, and I’d never *choose* to spend time with him, if I could help it.

      1. Leah Avatar

        Yeah, I knew he wasn’t super fast or anything, but he almost looks like he hurts when he runs.

        Well, that’s not something you hear everyday about Joe. Usually people like him. He’s alright on the air, but can get annoying easily.

        1. Jenny Avatar

          I always thought Joe was hot for an old guy. I could definitely imagine him being annoying, though . . . the only ones who’d I’d be shocked to hear anything bad about are the Carays and Pete.

  4. Tara Avatar

    I just came across your site the other day, Jenny……loves it! I love to read another woman’s perspective on the Bravos — Too much testerone on the ESPN message boards for me at times.

    Keep up the great work!

    1. Jenny Avatar

      Thanks so much! I remember the ESPN message boards . . . I haven’t ventured over yet there this year, but last year I looked at them fairly regularly . . . and I know what you mean. ;)

  5. RainIsBeautiful Avatar

    When I stopped at Borders yesterday to check out the ESPN magazine, right there in the corner of one of the pages of the McCann story was a little blurb on Salty. I kinda laughed to myself, thinking how awesome THAT “Clubhouse Yeah!” would be.

    Salty, on phone: Hey, old man! Did you see? They put me in ESPN The Magazine, right beside you!

    Baby: Who… How did you get this number?

    1. Jenny Avatar

      Haaa! That’s classic – he’s even taking over Heap’s press.

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