The Portraits Revealed

Apparently the Braves had their physicals this weekend, and during the week they had their equally important Picture Day! The results range from adorable to absolutely terrifying, and yes, the terrifying one is Orr’s. And I’m not even making a dig at his looks or anything, there is something legitimately terrifying going on in his picture, I swear . . . proceed at your own risk!

Sorry about the Getty Images tags . . . I priced one to see how much it would cost to get the pictures without the watermarks, thinking if it was fifty cents that would be fine . . . it was going to be $100 for one picture. So, no. But you’ll get the idea, anyhow:

Andruw goes for the “slightly parted lips” look.

Chipper kept the beard for his picture. I guess he wanted to make sure it would go down in official Braves history.

Chuckie went for the “I could kill you with my bare hands” look.

Davies looks a little catatonic.

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Diaz rocks the “on the verge of tears” look in his portrait.

Frenchy’s is the goofiest by far.

Gonzalez looks like he might start singing about his unfaithful lover who broke his heart any minute now.

I think they drugged Hampton.

Heap’s picture is of course the best. He’s got the cheeks going and everything.

Huddy tries too hard.

Joey looks scared to death as usual, poor thing.

When I saw the preview for this picture on Getty Images I totally thought Kelly was doing the “hang ten!” sign and got all excited.

This is actually the most personality I’ve ever seen Langerhans display, I’m impressed.

McBride contributes by making Heap actually look his age by comparison.

Alright, I’m just gonna say it: Orr, what the HELL is going on in your PANTS, dude?!?!

Heh, I love Pena. It so doesn’t even occur to him to try and act cool.

Rent is just too cool for everything by nature, he can’t help it.

Smoltz brings his usual quiet dignity to his portrait session.

For some reason this picture makes me think Thor would look really cool with one of those giant walrus style mustaches.

This is just a masterpiece. Wicky looks like he should be sitting with a couple of cocker spaniels and holding his hunting rifle while smoking a pipe.

Wilson gets the award for the worst posture, but his mullet is like totally kicking the other team mullets’ asses, so he wins.

Not a lot of news out of camp this weekend: Hampton is doing well, Aybar is still having visa problems and hasn’t yet arrived. The only thing worth linking is Chipper referring to Thor as “Captain Caveman.”

This might as well have been Frenchy’s official team portrait.

The AJC also brings us this little Heap and Frenchy moment:

The captions on AJC said they were “interviewing” each other. I don’t know what the hell that means, but I hope we get to read the interviews if we were supposed to take that literally. Props to the photographer who was all “Excuse me fellas, can I just wedge in here for a minute?” I hope he sticks around for the whole season.