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The Langerhans Primer

Since the Braves have a much needed off day after one exhausting day of regular season play, now seems like a good time to bring my new readers up to speed on my theory about Langerhans. Readers of my previous semi-Braves blog will remember this one. Ready? Okay: he’s a robot. How else to explain his flawless defense in left (and even center!), inhuman speed in the outfield, and complete inability to even begin to approach batting, most days? Sure, sometimes he gets lucky, but one key part of hitting is anticipating what the pitcher will offer based on the count and the situation. As a robot, Langerhans is unable to fathom the subtleties of human logic, so most days he’ll just stand there, armed only with some idea about how to hold a bat, watching pitches go by.

This also explains his complete inability to celebrate victories with his teammates. Every time Langerhans has an opportunity to give someone a high five, he fails miserably, and looks quite confused. Have you never noticed this? Observe:

Here’s the first instance that I noticed, back in June of 2006. The Langerhans bot seems to have confused Frenchy and Andruw’s celebratory high five with the “hug” he’s also seen humans give each other.

He gets a little closer here, later in the month, but still seems confused and can’t quite make contact.

Later in the season, he somehow got the high five confused with “hitchhiking.”

Then he scared Betemit pretty badly with one of his attempts. Betemit demanded to be traded immediately.

I thought maybe Langerhans would take some classes in the offseason, but these pictures from one of the spring training games seem to suggest he’s still pretty mixed up about this thing his human teammates do when one of them wants to congratulate another:

He’s still practicing, it seems.

Just can’t seem to get out of “first position.”

I think this picture, with Langerhans reaching toward the humans clumsily from off camera, pretty poignantly captures his struggle.

Poor Langerhans. Generally, I prefer to see Diaz start. He needlessly runs into his share of walls, but he can hit, and he doesn’t creep me out like the Langerhans bot. Though it is nice to have our trusty robot around when we need to pull a home run back into the park.

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Jenny

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10 responses to “The Langerhans Primer”

  1. Leah Avatar
    Leah

    Well, Langy’s theme song is “Iron Man” when he bats, and also supposedly when he works out. Interesting.

    1. Jenny Avatar
      Jenny

      I didn’t even think of that! Good point!

  2. wuky Avatar
    wuky

    yeah, i’m not sure ’bout langy as a starter. i’m willing to bet his suprising offensive numbers from spring are just a fluke. i don’t see him hitting over .250 with more than 10 jacks. he’s a late defensive sub at best.

    1. Jenny Avatar
      Jenny

      Fluke is exactly what I was thinking . . . it actually kind of made me nervous to see him do well during spring training, because now even if he sucks, Bobby has this idea that he could someday remember how to hit.

      1. wuky Avatar
        wuky

        Exactly. Bobby (for good and bad) sees flashes of greatness in EVERYBODY, and sometimes it hurts us in the long run.

        In my humble opinion, both Langy and Orr are just average minor leaguers that somehow worked there way up to the majors. I don’t think either of them would be mainstays on more than 2-3 major league teams. If it weren’t for the Bravo’s minor league budget, they’d be standing in against equally talented pitchers in the bush leagues.

  3. RehabReject Avatar
    RehabReject

    I like Langerhans. I feel better with him in the lineup rather than Diaz. Maybe it’s because Langy looks a little like Christian Bale.

    I think what impresses me most about this Langerhans-bot thing is all the pictures you have archived somewhere in your cpu. You have the most random braves pictures I’ve ever seen. (for example, the one of McCann drunk and hitting on some girl)

    1. Jenny Avatar
      Jenny

      You’d never seen the Heap-passes-out-on-a-groupie picture?? It’s world famous! I’m glad I could share something new. And yes, my picture collection is ridiculous. Sports photography just captures so many unintentionally funny moments . . . much like groupie photography.

  4. Corsair Avatar
    Corsair

    Well I think it’s time to comment – I first started reading your LJ when I stumbled across it while googling a story about Frenchy – and I became additcted ;) I’ve really enjoyed reading your numerous theories and the captions you make up for some of the pictures –

    I’ve always liked you take on the Langerhans bot – the pics are so believable. “It’s Ryan, I can’t palm the basketball, I need Langerhans” Lame, I know, but that’s always what I think about when I think of the bot. I don’t even remember who said it…

    Anyways, keep up the good work!

    1. Jenny Avatar
      Jenny

      Thanks! “Stumbled across it while googling a story about Frenchy” is like, story of my internet life! I’ve found a lot of strange and priceless old pictures (ah, the Pelican years! As a reader of the old blog, you’ve probably seen the bat kissing picture) that way my myself.

  5. Corsair Avatar
    Corsair

    Ah yes, the Pelican days – I don’t remember that picture in particular, but I do remember good pictures of Heap in strange/awesome hats. And yay for google, for without it, we would be much more in the dark about Frenchy and Heap.

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