V Vernacular

11/12/2007 (8:46 pm)

ROY

Filed under: Andruw,Non-Braves

So, I hated Troy Tulowitizki all season. The little bugger turned an unassisted triple play against us! But I felt kind of pissed off/personally insulted/confused when he didn’t win the NL Rookie of the Year award this afternoon. Why??

In other news, Andruw is still going to be macking on chicks at Twist in the near future. Good to know.

There is no other news, sadly.

07/28/2007 (1:51 pm)

Braves Wives: The 2007 Power Rankings

Filed under: Non-Braves

ATTENTION:

All of you people who are finding my site by searching for “brian mccann girlfriend,” “andruw jones wife,” “kelly johnson girlfriend,” and “jeff francoeur when are you getting married,” (as if Google is an extension of Frenchy’s consciousness, if only) etc.?

This is the post for you! Behold the information you have sought!

As for those of you who are searching for “mojo barbeque freakin hot sauce” and “langerhans charity pictures” (which at this point I can only assume are pictures of Langerhans accepting charity) I can’t help you, sorry. And for the guy who found the site on three separate occasions while searching for “how does velcro look like”: dude, I don’t know that anyone can help you. Oh, and “huston street gossip”? Um, email me.

Anyway, on to the fun!

Braves’ Wives: The 2007 POWER RANKINGS!

1. Kim Hudson

She’s totally the boss of the wives. I mean check out those pearls. She even wrote the Wife Gossip section in the back of this month’s ChopTalk magazine (she’s taken over the press! An important step in maintaining rule). Huddy’s wife seems to head up a lot of the organization’s charitable efforts, thus she is queen.

2. Nicole Jones

Andruw’s wife may have, at one time, been queen of the wives, but with her husband struggling mightily this year (not to mention OKT outing Andruw on Braves Live for wearing a bandanna that “a lady” gave to him, then having the ever-clueless Jerome Jurenovich make a bad joke about Andruw’s status as a “single” guy, ouch!), she has fallen to the number two spot. Still, very active in the community and married to the only guy on the team who was on Cribs, she’s pretty darn powerful.

3. Catie McCoy

Future queen of the wives, no doubt. She’s marrying Frenchy, which makes her Mrs. Franchise, and she’s already started doing charity events with him. They’ve known each other since they were kids, and apparently Chipper withheld his sage advice on that one. Probably best not to get involved. Good luck, kids! For the person who was wondering when they’re getting married: November.

4. Ashley Jarusinski

I’ve always gotten the impression that Heap’s fiancee doesn’t care that much about getting seen at franchise events or doing tandem interviews with her man, which makes her okay in my book. Still, she falls in at a solid fourth on the Wife Power Rankings, because hello, she’s marrying the first Baby Brave to sign for big money. I was a little disappointed to see her wearing Clemens’ wife’s bedazzled merchandise in the All-Star parade, but hey, maybe Debbie was pushing the stuff on everyone. (Oh and how great is Heap wearing the SAME SHIRT he wore in the All-Star parade last year, ahahaha!!). Soon-to-be Mrs. Heap is also proud co-owner of the New Dogs (not to be confused with the Old Dogs, of course).

5. Julie James

Chuckie’s wife was featured on a promo at the park this season, her dude is third in our rotation (doesn’t mean a ton these days, but still), and look at her, she’s cute as hell! This earns her the fifth spot on the power charts easily.

6. Lauren Thacker

As far as I’m concerned, Scooter’s fiancee blows ‘em all out of the water. She’s got an engineering degree from Tech, she picked Scooter, who is clearly the sweetest of the Baby Braves, and c’mon, she’s like, the prettiest by far. Still, Scooter’s been platooned of late despite his good performance this year, and he’s kind of retiring and unassuming, so she remains at sixth in the power rankings, which I’m sure she could care less about, since she’s busy being an engineer and all. The story of Scooter’s proposal is just wincingly adorable — I don’t really get the part where they’re already on their knees and don’t have anywhere to sit (weren’t they at a restaurant?), but whatever, you kids are too cute.

7. Liezel Yates

She’s Hawaiian and tiny, pretty regularly present at team charity functions, and her husband did surprisingly well in the first half. All that adds up the lucky number seven spot in the rankings.

8. Sharon Jones

Why isn’t Chipper’s wife higher in the power rankings? For the same reason I don’t have a picture of her (though there are plenty on his official website) — she is so over this scene. She didn’t even know who Chipper was when they met (honest!), and she’s got more important stuff to do (like raising three kids). Good for you, Mrs. Jones. Oh, and unfortunately for everyone because it would have been quite a love story, she is not the Hooters waitress. There were rumors for awhile that she and Chipper lived next door to the Hooters waitress in matching giant mansions, but alas, those also proved false.

9. Leslee Diaz

Matty’s wife looks nice. I just want to hug her or something. She’s also one of the few remaining wives who I have a picture of, and I assume she’s unfalteringly humble like Matty, so I’m sure she’s satisfied with her position toward the bottom of the top ten.

10. Ashley Saltalamacchia

Salty has the best wife story of all, as I’m sure you’ve all heard by now. Fourteen years older, taught at his highschool . . . Salty, you are a badass as ever. Ashley just had a baby last year and is already quite pregnant again — can ya blame her? She’s at the bottom of the list because she’s new (and because her husband is constantly talked about as trade bait), but she makes the top ten anyway, married to a number one prospect and a hell of an accomplished cradle robber. I don’t have a picture, but I’ve seen her on TV cheering him on — tall and skinny with long dark hair. I’m a big fan of the S’lamacchias and their non-cliche romance — if Salty ends up hanging around, maybe his wife could usurp the title of queen one day.

07/25/2007 (9:45 am)

Modern Art

Filed under: Non-Braves

Please enjoy this metaphor, courtesy of some AP genius:

This needs to be blown up to wall-size and hung in the MOMA with a big placard that just says STERIODS next to it. Or maybe something even more obscure, like the chemical formula for HGH.

This one is pretty good, too, with his henchmen hovering and Selig looking like a furious (or yawning) disembodied head, Krang-style, which I guess would make the other two Rocksteady and BeBop.

05/10/2007 (9:52 am)

I’ll Drink To That

Filed under: Non-Braves,Smoltz

Who are these guys? Last year, if we were down by one in the fifth I would completely write the game off as a loss, and I was almost always right to do so. Now we can have two outs and an 0-2 count on Woodward in the bottom of the 9th, and I’ll still feel like we’ve got a chance. Last night’s Smoltz vs. Maddux game wasn’t exactly the nail-biting pitcher’s duel one might have expected, but they both looked good, and I loved seeing Smoltzie get the win. I wonder what his “surprise” for Maddux would have been, had Maddog not gotten a hit off of the first pitch he offered? I think the gag was pretty much canceled after that — maybe Smoltz later arranged to have Maddux’s hotel room bed short-sheeted to make up for it.

Browsing through baseball articles this morning, I came across this one, about the clubs’ alcohol policies following Josh Hancock’s death. It offers some cool insight into how much the various teams trust their players, and what kind of clubhouse atmosphere they have. Some of the more interesting listings:

Dry clubhouses:

–Yankees and Mets (Probably because ballplayers can’t do anything anywhere ever in New York without getting taken to task in the press — and yet, somehow David Wells played there for four years. They must have banned alcohol after he left — possibly because of him. His story about pitching a perfect game while extremely hungover has always been an inspiration to me.)

–Baltimore (The Orioles don’t even deserve beer.)

–Florida (Half their players are underage anyway.)

–Washington (Drinking and severe depression really don’t mix well.)

Beer available on tap:

–Colorado (Of course — isn’t “Tap the Rockies” printed somewhere on their jerseys?)

–Philadelphia (The team psychologist actually recommended a tap to help them deal with their fans.)

“Beer and wine available in the clubhouse”:

–Chicago White Sox (This was the only team that specifically mentioned wine. I’m having a hard time picturing A.J. Pierzynski sitting in front of his locker sipping chardonnay from a wine glass.)

So how about Atlanta? We’re listed as “beer available.” I’m sure David Wells is extremely relieved. Hopefully he’ll need quite a few of them after we’re done with him today.

04/20/2007 (8:26 am)

“Strike After Strike”

Filed under: Kelly,Non-Braves

It’s too bad that Redman’s first quality start as a Brave was wasted on a night when we were completely shut down by a dominant opposing pitcher. I should probably disclose that, last night, I, um. Kind of fell in love with Rich Hill.

I’m sure I wouldn’t look twice if I just passed him on the street, but when he was pitching, dude had me in a two hour swoon. This is an issue that occasionally arises for the straight female baseball fan. As adorable and impressive as my Braves are, they have a sort of brotherly familiarity that prevents them from having the same effect on me. Frenchy is probably the best looking guy in baseball, but I’ve seen him happily picking his nose in the dugout too often to have a proper crush on him. Opposing team’s players have a certain mystery that makes them more exciting. I haven’t spent large chunks of my life yelling at the television while they continue to stubbornly swing at the high ones. Hill’s quotes were pretty great, too:

“I was a fan of the Braves growing up because they were always on TBS and I watched them in the World Series,” said Hill, who lowered his ERA at Turner Field to 0.66 (one earned run in 13 2/3 innings). “The fans are great, it’s a great city, a great organization. To come in here, it’s a lot of fun.”

Oh, Richie, you say the nicest things! I also appreciated Kelly’s “all game long, strike after strike is all it was,” and the title of this AJC article.

On a much more serious note, I think it has been decided: Kelly’s new nickname is Scooter.

Now onward to New York, in a near tie with the Mets. This should be a great series, and I’m pretty excited about it. The game tonight is a TBS Xtra broadcast, or a “Super Duper” broadcast, as Skip called it last night. Apparently Julio Franco will be miked, so whatever happens, at least we’ll have that.

04/11/2007 (8:34 am)

The Frenchy Psychoanalysis Era Continues

Filed under: Frenchy,Huddy,Non-Braves

Yesterday’s win was nice, with a few things that made me nervous early on, but seemed to right themselves by the end. At first, Huddy’s high pitch count was worrisome. He was getting his outs, but he was just throwing way too many pitches, and it’s the Nationals, so you’re going to get outs either way. But he really tightened up after the first few innings, and ended up going for seven with a relatively low pitch count overall.

Frenchy had a bad start, too, but came away with 5 RBIs in the end. Chop-n-Change has a nice comparison of his numbers so far this year with those from 2006 and 2005, which show that he’s really not being much more patient. And this quote from the AJC coverage of the game is a little concerning:

“I was very frustrated with myself after my first two at-bats,” said Francoeur, who drove in five runs twice before, including last May against the Nationals.

“Four straight balls to Andruw, I let that pitcher out of that inning real easy. I think I swung at a 51-foot pitch my second time, struck out. And really got 0-2 on some bad pitches on my third at-bat. But it took me that to really lock in and get focused.”

Does he really need to keep failing several times before he can calm down and remember how to work a pitch count? Is that what he’s saying? Did he learn nothing from his great final at-bat on Sunday? Why can’t he just keep previous “frustration” (such as most of his 2006) in mind instead of continuing to make outs until he remembers how to hit? It should be pretty exciting to see him hitting over .300 early in the season, just as a nice confidence boost to get him started, but if he’s gaining confidence without really changing anything . . . that ain’t good.

While we’re beating up the Nats, the Mets are beating up the Phillies. And they’re also, ah, well, see for yourself:

They’ve cloned him! And speaking of Frenchy, I would fear for his life if the Mets actually cloned David Wright. He tends to act like an eight-year-old superfan in the presence of Frenchy. I had a laugh about it last year during one series with the Mets, when we were sitting along the third base line. DW bounced all over Frenchy every time he got to third, talked his ear off, and practically gave him a back rub during game play. At the game on Sunday, Wright ran all the way over to Frenchy in the outfield at the start of the national anthem, and stood out there yakking away through the whole song.

He looks a little confused and nervous about this wax figure business. Like he’s really glad he’s holding a bat, just in case he sees that thing blink.

02/26/2007 (6:17 pm)

“You Want Me to Throw a Changeup With a Pepper?”

Still not a lot of news out of camp, save that Harrison will pitch against Tech on Wednesday, and Davies will start against the Dodgers on Thursday, meaning Smoltzie will start against the Pirates for the first televised game on Friday! I’m very excited to see that, and to hear about how Harrison and Davies perform.

Dave O’Brien did a little around-camp perspective on his blog today, which sounds a lot more interesting than it actually is. To surmise: Thor is a power hitter (who’d have thought), Gonzo is looking good so far, Soriano still doesn’t want to be friends with Dave, and Diaz is still hitting impressively. Dave mentions that some of his ingenious readers have already accused Diaz of using steroids based on what they’ve heard from camp, which is a real “I wish there was some way I could physically harm you via the internet” moment for me, not just because I personally like and respect Matt Diaz and don’t understand what the big deal is — he hit well last year, too, for power and otherwise, Bobby just never played him — but mostly because it just astounds me that someone can show up looking exactly like he did the year before and still get accused of using something after the first mention of hitting for power. Incredible. It also amazes me that Dave thinks he even needs to acknowledge such idiocy.

To lighten the mood, enjoy some pictures from AJC and Yahoo

One more for the road:

Barry Zito, ladies and gentlemen.

Rookie hazing is so cringe inducing for me. I’ve never been one to find men in drag hilarious as a rule. Check out what the Mets are making their rookies do – yikes! Oh wait, they all have to do that. Damn, that’s rough.

02/11/2007 (5:37 pm)

Slow News Day

Filed under: Ex-Braves,Non-Braves

Not much going on with the Braves following the Smoltz divorce bombshell. From the AJC we get this extremely obvious list of things the Braves are hoping will go well in spring training. Go ahead and have a good laugh at the phrase “Ryan Langerhans hits with authority,” I know I did.

Anyway, since I’ve got nothing else, here’s a picture of LaRoche in a (red?!) Pirates jersey:

Good to see he’s rocking that same “where the hell am I?” look on his face up in Pittsburgh.

Non-braves related, I’m also gonna go ahead and laugh out loud at Barry Zito out on a date with Hilary Duff. Everyone’s making fun of Zito for robbing the cradle, but I say good game, Hilary! Huge upgrade over your last boyfriend, girl.

So, pitchers and catchers in five days. Thank God.