The Ushers Should Be Robots

So I figured out who keeps starting the wave at Turner Field. It’s this one old guy, and wouldn’t you know it, he works there. Sort of.

Before I begin this rant, I’ll acknowledge that many people like old people who are “characters.” You know the old people I’m talking about. Around or over eighty years old, always trying to make cornball jokes and flirt with young girls — I’m aware that many people are charmed by this. Many people also like young children. Don’t get me wrong — some young children are adorable, and some old guys who make the occasional cheesy joke are great (I tend to like really cynical, cantankerous, reformed boozer old guys who tell cartoon ducks to shut up, and of course sweet old guys like Pete are wonderful). I’m even aware that some of you might know this usher and really like him. Some people in our section certainly did, and I’m sure he’s been there forever. I’m not calling for his resignation. I’m just saying . . .

GIVE IT A REST WITH THE DAMN WAVE.

I hate the wave. I had other issues with this guy (I can’t stand service people who feel like they need to add to your experience by sharing their personality with you. I know some people love this, but I personally just want my waiters to shut the hell up, bring me my food and get lost), but when he came down the aisles yelling “WE’RE GON-NA TRY AND START THE WAVE NOW!!” I wanted to physically harm him, I’m sorry. I was trying to watch the game, and yes we were losing, but only by three runs. It wasn’t a blowout that needed added entertainment for the fans, and as much as I love little video clips of Heap on the Jumbotron, telling us what his favorite kind of pizza is, part of me really agrees with Skip, that the parks like Wrigley who don’t need any of that crap to draw fans are heaven and every place else is just tolerable. I do understand that plenty of fans who pack into Wrigley and Fenway do it because they want to get trashed just as much as they want to see live baseball, but now I’m just getting off topic. I hate the wave.

I hate distractions, I hate cutesy crap, I hate those cotton candy vendors relentlessly prowling the aisles and blocking my view of the field every five minutes, and this is all coming from someone who adores the TBS Xtra broadcasts and reads Chop Talk magazine mostly for the gossip section and the pictures of players’ living rooms (if you’re wondering — they all have pretty bad taste. It’s delightful). I love goofy nonsense, goofy nonsense and sports go hand and hand, as far as I’m concerned, but goofy nonsense should be there when you want it and should be avoidable when you’re actually, you know, watching sports. When I go to a game, I don’t need a whole section of people standing up and screaming like idiots during a tense at-bat, for no reason, just to hear themselves make noise. It’s not fun, it’s not encouraging to the players (in fact I assume it would annoy them), it’s just ridiculous.

I was going to go on and do a whole post about Atlanta baseball fans and how we could possibly stop being considered huge douchebags as a whole, but this has already turned into a long-winded rant, so I’ll save that for another time. Suffice it to say: when I get a young, completely disinterested usher, I’m always so relieved. I’ve recently had a slew of older ones who want to chit chat, and that is not what I go to the park for. Unfortunately, these old veteran ushers have all the good sections, so if you shell out money for a good seat, you’ll probably have to deal with them. It is very likely that this doesn’t bother anyone but me, and that it’s just a sign that I’m turning into my parents more every day, becoming the type of person who can never go anywhere because someone somewhere might do something annoying at some point, but anyway. My solution is of course to have robots as ushers. If we’re gonna do the biggest screen in the world thing, what else could be the logical next step? I’m sure Langerhans has some relatives who need work. Heck, Langerhans might need work pretty soon.