Offseason Antics

There’s always plenty of coverage about whatever douchebag things the Yankees get up to in the offseason, such as running their perfume empires and, well . . . whatever is going on here. But what about our Braves, who are more “openly reviled” by the mainstream sports media than actually “covered?” What have they been up to since October?

I’ll start with Frenchy, who was either the busiest or the most willing to talk to the press and do PR photo ops during the offseason (surprise!). Around November he and High School Girlfriend/Wife #1 helped the franchise look good by delivering turkeys to needy families around Turner Field. Apparently Frenchy also bought a house of his own during the offseason, so he’s probably moved out of the McCann McMansion by now. No doubt he has also been enjoying some wedding planning with his fiancee, who is a middle school English teacher and cheerleading coach. She also looks kinda familiar, but maybe it’s just me.

Speaking of Heap, he’s also been busy this offseason, and not just looking for a new roommate. According to an AJC interview with Frenchy, Heap got engaged three days after the season ended, most likely to this young lady, who works in her mother’s clothing boutique in Gwinnett. He also showed his support at Bobby’s homeless pets charity function with Frenchy, played golf with Reitsma at yet another charity event, and attended Blaine Boyer’s wedding, which might also be considered charity, really, considering how thrilled with life Heap looks in that picture.

Andruw and his wife also volunteered for some charity events sponsored by the organization over the break, as well as hosting a fundraising ball for Jaden’s Ladder. Andruw also donated his services as a badass to a pal’s modeling campaign. He’s got the Derek Zoolander face down pretty good.

We’ve all heard plenty about Chuck James and his noble window-installation endeavors in the offseason. In fact I think I’ve heard more about that than anything he did during the season. In addition to being an admirable working class gentleman despite the league minimum, Chuckie also got married this offseason. His ceremony looked nice and down to earth like the man himself, and his bride even let him have a Braves “A” on the wedding cake. She’s a keeper, I’d say.

Matt Diaz also had a big offseason, which included both the birth of his first child and some radical new Brady Bunch hair.

Chipper spent some time playing golf and bravely wearing one of the goofiest Grandpa-on-Christmas-morning sweaters of all time, probably for a charity of some kind.

Smoltz represented pretty well in the doofy old guy sweater department as well, sporting one that features Tetris blocks while giving Christian testimonies with Frenchy at a local high school. I’m sure all of the teenage girls in the audience came purely to celebrate Jesus, and their attendance had nothing to do with the fact that Frenchy was standing behind Smoltz looking like sex on legs (and knowing it, too, check out the smug look he’s giving that bat). At my high school all they had to hook us into FCA meetings were free donuts. Incidentally, my little brother once went to one of Smoltz’s Christian testimony presentations in the early nineties, back when he was doing them with Greg Olson and Sid Bream. I think my brother was expecting it to be a baseball camp. I think it was . . . advertised as a baseball camp?

So there you have it: while the Yankees are running around lighting cigars with embarrassing flourish and naming fragrances after themselves, our guys are representing Atlanta well with their handyman jobs and relatively normal lives, getting dragged around to look at wedding invitations with their fiancees and such. Keep up the good work, boys.

The Braves Fan Fest is happening tomorrow at Tuner Field, so if you’re into waiting in line for autographs, head on over there. I think I’m going to pass, but I’ll be eagerly awaiting any pictures from the event, which will allow me to keep tabs on the changing hairstyles and ridiculous sweaters of my Atlanta Braves.