V Vernacular

05/23/2007 (8:53 am)

Break Out the Free Agent Jokes: Scooter’s Gettin’ Hitched!

I have actual stuff to do at work today, since I’m blowing this popsicle stand next week and heading home to Atlanta after three long years in Athens (it may be the birthplace of Heap, but this town is not for me), but I’m still going to take time out of my workday to post, because oh my God, that game! That was another, “Gee, if I’m ever actually getting murdered in here, I guess my neighbors won’t call the cops,” classic. It had me screaming pretty loud, especially for Davies’ home run. And there were plenty of other developments yesterday, too.

Obviously, Heap and Frenchy freaking out over Davies’ home run made my night, and Davies trying to act all cool about it just made Those Two hopping around him even better. Sometimes I forget that these hulking major league ballplayers are actually a year younger than me, and then they break out the antics. I love it.

But boy are they growing up fast: Scooter has joined the engagement party! I commend Scoot for waiting until the right time, and always thought it was a little — unromantic? — that the other Baby Braves got engaged within about five minutes of Frenchy popping the question to his girlfriend. I always imagined it going a little something like this . . .

Frenchy: Hey Heap, she said yes!!
Heap: Yay!
Frenchy: So, let’s go celebrate!
Heap: ‘K, just one sec.
Heap: /dials phone
Heap’s girlfriend: Hey, what’s up!
Heap: Hey babe. Just wanted to let you know — we’re getting married.
Heap’s girlfriend: Wha–what?
Heap: Yeah, Frenchy just got engaged, so, looks like it’s about that time! Just wanted to give you the heads up.
Heap’s girlfriend: Uh . . . wha . . .
Heap: Maybe we could do a double wedding!
Heap’s girlfriend: /bursts into tears

Aw, maybe it wasn’t that bad, but it’s still funny that Frenchy set the whole thing off. Now that Scooter has jumped on the bandwagon, do we have any single Braves left? Who’s going to be our eligible heartthrob?

Wait, wait, what’s this? Redman is gone, and we’re bringing up Dreamboat Devy, in all his emotionally fragile number one draft pick glory! Hopefully he’s recovered from everything we put him through in 2005 — he’s been leading the Southern AA League in saves, and looked a lot more comfortable coming out of the pen when we brought him up for the roster expansion last September. Supposedly he’s only up for a short time, until we figure out who our fifth starter is, but if I know this team, he’ll be up for good if he shows any promise out of the pen. Salty was supposed to be temporary, too, but who can resist keeping another pretty face on the roster?

05/02/2007 (7:41 am)

At Least The Mets Lost

Filed under: Heap,Redman

Early in the season there were a lot of stories about jobless Redman practicing in his basement during the offseason, just on the off chance that some desperate team would pick him up. Apparently he’d constructed a pitching mound and painted a backstop down there.

You know what? I think that was a lie. Did his wife actually go down there and check, or did Redman keep the basement door locked? Cause he looks a lot like someone who spent his offseason in a basement, but not necessarily practicing pitching. More like playing World of Warcraft, eating cheetos and watching Cartoon Network.

Just to make me hate this guy a little more, he was partly to blame for Heap hurting his finger again:

McCann escape[d] serious injury on April 22, when he was hit on the same finger with a pitch. He has since worn a protective guard around the finger.

But one inning before being struck by Barajas’ bat, he had removed the guard because it was hindering him while attempting to catch Redman’s cutters.

Replace “cutters” with “crap” and you’ll have a more accurate description of what happened. Poor Heap; I’m really hoping he’ll be okay to catch today, because I think Chuckie needs him, but based on the articles about what happened last night, I’m not getting my hopes up. Pena claims he’ll be alright, despite getting knocked out, which was scary. What an awful game.

For now, I think the Vulch should be promoted to the starting rotation. At least he can eat some innings. Redman just needs to go back to eating cheetos in his basement.

05/01/2007 (7:24 am)

Operation H.A.M.E.L.S.

Filed under: Redman

Three things we really needed yesterday:

1. The walkoff win, after all the unbelievable bullshit that happened in late innings during the road trip.

2. Gonzo’s perfect ninth, after losing Wicky to the DL. He looked incredible. I think the ninth brings out the best in him.

3. A great outing by Huddy for a chance to win the series on Wednesday, because Redman vs. Hamels is going to be apocalyptic.

But wait . . . what’s this?

It’s Mr. Cole Hamels himself, oggling our Braves girls during the seventh inning stretch! Could it be that our Braves girls are actually highly trained special agents, that this was all part of our elaborate plan to win the doomed Redman-Hamels match-up? Were the girls deployed to the bar at the Westin Buckhead after the game to distract him? Maybe to discreetly tap laxatives into his drink? It’s our only hope! If Redman pulls off a sloppy win tonight, we’ll know who to thank.

04/25/2007 (7:56 am)


Filed under: Bobby,Frenchy,Heap,Redman,Videos

This is probably obvious, but I’m ridiculously fond of ballplayers’ quotes in throwaway articles about their performances. The whole exercise is a little insane when you really think about it, and reminds me of an old episode of Dr. Katz where a Conan O’Brien-type late night host is interviewing a model and says, “So, you’re very beautiful. How do you do that?” Post-game interviews aren’t quite that absurd, but they’re always funny, and can be a little excruciating when players have to come up with an explanation for a horrible game. I can’t fault the players for offering stupid sound bytes, or the beat reporters for collecting them, because as a fan I certainly look forward to them. Last night’s crop was rather excellent:

“Geesh … whiz … I don’t know what to tell you,” Cox said, trying to find words to evaluate Redman’s performance. “Balls were hit hard. He’s got to get inside [with pitches] more. … I still have confidence in him.”

I like how Dave included that “sh” to save Bobby the humiliation of a literal “gee whiz,” and yet, with the “geesh,” does the “whiz” really make sense? Anyway, “balls were hit hard” is a great response to a horrible outing for a starter, and Bobby is so good about sticking up for his guys in the press, even when you know he’s giving them hell in the clubhouse.

“Some nights you’re going to have pitching, some nights you’re going to have hitting,” said catcher Brian McCann, whose sacrifice fly in the sixth provided a 7-6 lead the Braves wouldn’t relinquish. “Tonight we scored a lot of runs.”

Heap usually sticks with the obvious. Good strategy. Sometimes there is pitching, sometimes there is hitting, sometimes you score runs. You can just picture Heap smiling politely and walking away during these quotes.

Redman has faced the Marlins twice in 12 days — and given up 13 runs and 13 hits in 5-2/3 innings. “They have my number,” he said.

Well, yeah. Who doesn’t? I think someone in major league baseball has been writing your number on bathroom stalls, Redman.

Speaking of ballplayers and the press: just in case I’m not the only one who is fascinated by lengthy Christian media interviews with Frenchy, here’s a good one. This is the second one I’ve seen where he tells the interviewer that his biggest temptation as a professional athlete is cursing. Oh, Frenchy. You’re so good at this it’s scary. Though actually, while his solo interviews are charming works of art, if you’ve ever seen him interviewed alongside Heap (hopefully everyone saw the Katy Temple one last year, with the nachos and the cheese fries? If not, I’ve got it transcribed and can post a link), he becomes a hyperactive five year old and interrupts everyone constantly. Which is also charming, in a way.

How predictable was Chip’s mention that Frenchy got advice from Heap in the batting cage just before he went on his four hit tear on Monday? You tell him, Heap. Keep him in line! And please work on Diaz while you’re at it.

04/14/2007 (11:43 am)

Boo Urns

Filed under: Frenchy,Paronto,Redman

I heard there was a lot of booing at the game last night. I can’t blame the crowd at all. Personally, I fell asleep in the eighth, confident that I wouldn’t really miss anything. As it turns out, I missed Diaz playing first. Shit!

Frenchy was the recipient of some booing, along with our bargain bin starter and McBaseOnBalls. He somehow managed to drop two easy fly balls, and if you check out the above picture, it looks like he was staring hungrily into the crowd while making the play, probably eying somebody’s chili dog. Thanks for adding to the embarrassment, Frenchy. To think, just two days ago, Deadspin was saying that the Braves were the new black.

I can’t complain too much about the hitting, because Dontrelle is awesome. If the Braves are the love of my baseball life, the Marlins are a torrid affair I had once and still hold a candle for (the 1997 playoffs . . . Leyland, Counsell and Rent . . . I just couldn’t help myself). Losing to Dontrelle is no big thing, but I’m ready to see them pick themselves up and take the series now. Paronto going to the DL is bad news, but at least we didn’t lose a starter. When Cormier is healthy, I’m all for giving both he and Davies a chance ahead of Redman, but knowing Bobby’s love of veterans, we’ll be stuck with Redman for awhile. I guess I shouldn’t vote for this option until I’ve seen Davies pitch tonight, anyway.

The goofy TBS Xtra broadcast kept me sane during that massacre. I can’t get enough of that junk, and it was especially great last night, with Frenchy and Chuckie miked up. I can’t really remember anything Frenchy said specifically, but he was singing at one point, and he and Rent did some kind of sword-fight thing with their bats. It’s too bad he wasn’t miked when he dropped those fly balls. Makes me think of a quote I read in an article about Frenchy’s spirituality:

He admits, “I am certainly not perfect and in this environment I am often tempted to use language that would not honor the Lord, but I am trusting Him to give me victory over that.”

And that is why the mikes come off after batting practice. Also, try to picture Frenchy actually saying the above sentence out loud. Better yet, try to picture him using the phrase “I am often,” ever, under any circumstances.