V Vernacular

07/31/2007 (10:45 am)

Tommy Is Jealous Of Jules

Filed under: Ex-Braves

The AJC has a story up about Glavine getting booed in Atlanta, which features Tom-Tom pouting about the fact that we never booed Julio when he was with the Mets.

I personally feel no nostalgic responsibility to Glavine whatsoever, but I never even liked him much when he was with the Braves (I appreciated his talent, of course, but he wasn’t one of my guys), I think mostly because as a kid I had this baseball card that showed him playing hockey. He looked like such an ass on that card, and as a ten year old, that was pretty much it for me and Tom Glavine.

But more importantly, how in holy hell could anyone boo Julio? He comes to the plate to gospel music about Jesus. He’s a non-threatening, Grandpa-like figure, Tommy, so don’t get all worked up. It’s more of a compliment, really, that we direct our hate toward you instead.

The Lemmer is of course sympathetic:

“I don’t care for it,” Lemke said of the boos. “I don’t know why anybody has those feelings, because Tom Glavine won the World Series for Atlanta. I know he gave everything he could, his whole heart, to the Atlanta Braves.”

Well, if he gave us his whole heart (like Smoltz has, for example), is he heartless and disinterested as a competitor for the Mets? I kind of doubt it.

Glavine will be back at Turner Field Aug. 31-Sept. 2 for a Braves-Mets series. How will Atlanta greet him as a 300-game winner?

Apologies to the Lemmer, but I’m going to that series, and I’ll be booing the hell out of Glavine during his start, just like I did on opening weekend (when Smoltz kicked his ass). Cause what’s a Mets series without booing Glavine? It’s part of the fun! Get into the rivalry and get over it, Tommy.

07/30/2007 (8:55 am)

Attention, Atlanta-Area Fans!

Filed under: Field Trips

Not particularly fond of Barry Bonds? Sick of having the game you’re trying to watch interrupted so that the network can show live footage of Bonds popping out to the catcher (I missed one of Heap’s at-bats yesterday for this! On TBS, too!)? Now you can fight back! Martin at Talking Chop has an excellent idea: we should all wear head-to-toe black to the Giants series August 14-16, in mourning for our Hank’s legit accomplishment.

I think it would be a great statement not just about Bonds, but about Atlanta’s “Our Playoffs Don’t Sell Out!” fans showing up in big numbers to do something together. Spread the word! I’ll be there in black platform flip flops, maybe even holding a black posterboard sign with sparkly silver lettering: SHOULDA BEEN NICER TO HEAP AT THE A.S. GAME, BARRY, AT LEAST GRIFFEY TOOK THE TIME TO TALK TO HIM! — ah, or not, but I’ll be there, anyway, in black!

07/28/2007 (1:51 pm)

Braves Wives: The 2007 Power Rankings

Filed under: Non-Braves


All of you people who are finding my site by searching for “brian mccann girlfriend,” “andruw jones wife,” “kelly johnson girlfriend,” and “jeff francoeur when are you getting married,” (as if Google is an extension of Frenchy’s consciousness, if only) etc.?

This is the post for you! Behold the information you have sought!

As for those of you who are searching for “mojo barbeque freakin hot sauce” and “langerhans charity pictures” (which at this point I can only assume are pictures of Langerhans accepting charity) I can’t help you, sorry. And for the guy who found the site on three separate occasions while searching for “how does velcro look like”: dude, I don’t know that anyone can help you. Oh, and “huston street gossip”? Um, email me.

Anyway, on to the fun!

Braves’ Wives: The 2007 POWER RANKINGS!

1. Kim Hudson

She’s totally the boss of the wives. I mean check out those pearls. She even wrote the Wife Gossip section in the back of this month’s ChopTalk magazine (she’s taken over the press! An important step in maintaining rule). Huddy’s wife seems to head up a lot of the organization’s charitable efforts, thus she is queen.

2. Nicole Jones

Andruw’s wife may have, at one time, been queen of the wives, but with her husband struggling mightily this year (not to mention OKT outing Andruw on Braves Live for wearing a bandanna that “a lady” gave to him, then having the ever-clueless Jerome Jurenovich make a bad joke about Andruw’s status as a “single” guy, ouch!), she has fallen to the number two spot. Still, very active in the community and married to the only guy on the team who was on Cribs, she’s pretty darn powerful.

3. Catie McCoy

Future queen of the wives, no doubt. She’s marrying Frenchy, which makes her Mrs. Franchise, and she’s already started doing charity events with him. They’ve known each other since they were kids, and apparently Chipper withheld his sage advice on that one. Probably best not to get involved. Good luck, kids! For the person who was wondering when they’re getting married: November.

4. Ashley Jarusinski

I’ve always gotten the impression that Heap’s fiancee doesn’t care that much about getting seen at franchise events or doing tandem interviews with her man, which makes her okay in my book. Still, she falls in at a solid fourth on the Wife Power Rankings, because hello, she’s marrying the first Baby Brave to sign for big money. I was a little disappointed to see her wearing Clemens’ wife’s bedazzled merchandise in the All-Star parade, but hey, maybe Debbie was pushing the stuff on everyone. (Oh and how great is Heap wearing the SAME SHIRT he wore in the All-Star parade last year, ahahaha!!). Soon-to-be Mrs. Heap is also proud co-owner of the New Dogs (not to be confused with the Old Dogs, of course).

5. Julie James

Chuckie’s wife was featured on a promo at the park this season, her dude is third in our rotation (doesn’t mean a ton these days, but still), and look at her, she’s cute as hell! This earns her the fifth spot on the power charts easily.

6. Lauren Thacker

As far as I’m concerned, Scooter’s fiancee blows ‘em all out of the water. She’s got an engineering degree from Tech, she picked Scooter, who is clearly the sweetest of the Baby Braves, and c’mon, she’s like, the prettiest by far. Still, Scooter’s been platooned of late despite his good performance this year, and he’s kind of retiring and unassuming, so she remains at sixth in the power rankings, which I’m sure she could care less about, since she’s busy being an engineer and all. The story of Scooter’s proposal is just wincingly adorable — I don’t really get the part where they’re already on their knees and don’t have anywhere to sit (weren’t they at a restaurant?), but whatever, you kids are too cute.

7. Liezel Yates

She’s Hawaiian and tiny, pretty regularly present at team charity functions, and her husband did surprisingly well in the first half. All that adds up the lucky number seven spot in the rankings.

8. Sharon Jones

Why isn’t Chipper’s wife higher in the power rankings? For the same reason I don’t have a picture of her (though there are plenty on his official website) — she is so over this scene. She didn’t even know who Chipper was when they met (honest!), and she’s got more important stuff to do (like raising three kids). Good for you, Mrs. Jones. Oh, and unfortunately for everyone because it would have been quite a love story, she is not the Hooters waitress. There were rumors for awhile that she and Chipper lived next door to the Hooters waitress in matching giant mansions, but alas, those also proved false.

9. Leslee Diaz

Matty’s wife looks nice. I just want to hug her or something. She’s also one of the few remaining wives who I have a picture of, and I assume she’s unfalteringly humble like Matty, so I’m sure she’s satisfied with her position toward the bottom of the top ten.

10. Ashley Saltalamacchia

Salty has the best wife story of all, as I’m sure you’ve all heard by now. Fourteen years older, taught at his highschool . . . Salty, you are a badass as ever. Ashley just had a baby last year and is already quite pregnant again — can ya blame her? She’s at the bottom of the list because she’s new (and because her husband is constantly talked about as trade bait), but she makes the top ten anyway, married to a number one prospect and a hell of an accomplished cradle robber. I don’t have a picture, but I’ve seen her on TV cheering him on — tall and skinny with long dark hair. I’m a big fan of the S’lamacchias and their non-cliche romance — if Salty ends up hanging around, maybe his wife could usurp the title of queen one day.

07/25/2007 (9:45 am)

Modern Art

Filed under: Non-Braves

Please enjoy this metaphor, courtesy of some AP genius:

This needs to be blown up to wall-size and hung in the MOMA with a big placard that just says STERIODS next to it. Or maybe something even more obscure, like the chemical formula for HGH.

This one is pretty good, too, with his henchmen hovering and Selig looking like a furious (or yawning) disembodied head, Krang-style, which I guess would make the other two Rocksteady and BeBop.

07/24/2007 (9:40 am)

Hey, Remember Salty?

Filed under: Heap

So, um. Jules is getting more playing time than I expected. Like, a lot more. In fact, where the hell is Salty? Anyone seen him lately?

Vizquel: Oh sweet God, is that the cold breath of Death I feel on the back of my neck?! Yes, I play for the Giants, but I’m not that old!!
Jules: No, no, Omar, it’s just me!
Vizquel: Oh, heh. Sorry, Julio.
Jules: That’s okay, I actually get that a lot.

I like Julio, he’s a good guy, and he’s impressive, what with his oldness and all. We were at the game on Thursday, which was supposed to be Heap Night, but Heap was benched and Jules was back, so it was pretty clearly Julio Night:

Heap actually would probably be in full support of Heap Night becoming Julio Night, given that he’s uncomfortable with the spotlight and consistently defers to his teammates with blushing glee. And to get off subject for a moment, oh my God, his post-game interview last night?? I actually say “Poor Heap!” anytime they catch him now; I thought he was getting more comfortable with these things, but oh, Heap. That one part where he was stuttering and totally lost his train of thought, then blurted out “I’m really excited!”? The fact that he said “thanks for having me!” at the end?? He’s the greatest.

But back to Julio Night: I get it, and I like him. I chanted “JU-LI-O” along with the rest of the stadium on Thursday, and cheered like crazy when he got his 2-RBI hit. But seriously. Salty? Is just, what? Pinch hitting? Oh, not even that? Cause we’ve got Woodward and all? OK. And if I’m completely honest with myself, though I have a sentimental fondness for Julio, I’d rather have Brayan Pena up here, so that we’d have a proper backup catcher with Heap behind the plate and Salty on first. Pena was pretty good off the bench, and it would allow Bobby to not keep Salty benched needlessly, and Heap might have, you know, a reprieve in a 15 inning game.

My picture of the Heap statue I procured on Julio Night is still forthcoming, as is a Wifey Post! Someone on Talking Chop suggested that I do one, and it makes sense, as about 75% of the searches that bring people to this site are about the Braves’ Wives/Future Wives, and do I have pictures of all of them? Of course I do! I’m just trying to think of a funny way to frame it — Braves Wives as they correspond to members of The Babysitter’s Club sounds funny to me, but I’m not sure that anyone who reads this blog was a BSC fan in their youth like myself.

07/19/2007 (1:06 pm)

Finally, The Collection Will Be Complete

Filed under: Frenchy,Heap

So we’re leaving in a few hours for Heap Giveaway Day at the park. Hopefully it won’t rain on us like it did during Frenchy Giveaway Day last year . . .

Here are some highlights from my old blog:

Frenchy Night brought out all the #7 jerseys on fangirls and boys of all ages, and seeing everyone walking around with their Frenchy boxes was pretty darn hilarious. It rained from about 5-6:30, so people were protecting their Frenchies under their shirts, and some were smart enough to have brought Frenchy-carrying bags. Stu and I were not so smart, so between a purse, umbrella, camera, water bottle and various foodstuffs, we were juggling Frenchies throughout the downpour and after, when everything was still wet and they couldn’t just be set on the ground for a moment.

This made for some really fun conversation, however. In fact, talking about the Frenchies was pretty much cooler than the Frenchies themselves, which are cool, but of course goofy looking, and not in a particularly Frenchie-ish way, ironically. Bitching about what to do with the cumbersome Frenchies was rather enjoyable: “Will you hold my Frenchie while I (run to the restroom, buy food, etc.)?”, “Here, take the camera, I’ll hold the Frenchies” and of course “The Frenchies are getting wet!!”

Frenchy himself didn’t really do much on Frenchy Night, aside from making a few good catches in right. There was a huge puddle out there in the Francorner all night, so I guess I’m just glad he didn’t slip or something. Somehow the pressure of Frenchy Night caused Heap to have one of the worst games of his career, so that was pretty sucky.

Probably the best part of Frenchy Night was the little Budweiser commercial they do on the big screen late in the game. They always show a cameraman getting a Bud at the Chop House bar and then girls fawning over him and the beer. Well, it’s a live commercial, and while the girls were fawning last night, someone stuck a Frenchy action figure in their faces, and then, CUT! It was pretty great; a win would have been better, though.

That’s right, we lost on Frenchy Night last year, to the Pirates. But I’ve got high hopes for tonight, with Huddy pitching, and hopefully the Heapster will actually be well enough to play after catching that entire disastrous marathon last night.

07/18/2007 (7:18 pm)

Something Not Cynical!

Filed under: 2007

So, okay. We got swept by the Reds. Davies, who started this disaster off with a bang, got hung out to dry at the end there, having to come up in the bottom of the fifteenth when we were down by one with two outs. And he’s a pitcher, right, but you know it was insult to injury to strike out there. Dark, dark stuff.

Just read this little article about Escobar’s family, and you’ll feel better. At least until tomorrow morning, when I will explain, in meticulous fake-dialogue detail, how Julio Franco will save our asses singlehandedly.

Oh, and here’s something cute about Heap being in awe of his elders and calling himself a nobody. Maybe someday, if he’s a first-ballot hall of famer, he’ll admit that, yeah, he’s kind of good at baseball. But he’ll probably just shrug and mutter something about how he can’t even believe they let him park in the players’ lot all those years.

07/14/2007 (9:27 am)


Filed under: Frenchy,Heap,Salty,Skip

So I woke up this morning feeling like I’d only dreamed a baseball game last night, after all the off days. I came to the computer and read email for a few minutes before I remembered that there would be AP photos and quotes to harvest, brand new! And boy were there. Apparently the second half is going to be dramatic as hell, if this morning’s crop is any indication:

1. Gary Sheffield opened his mouth, the usual drama ensued. I love Leyland’s response anytime the press tries to pull him into the Sheffield fray: “I don’t care what he says,” Leyland said. “He’s a grown man.” You tell ‘em, Jimmy.

2. Ledezma ran his passport through the washing machine. Hey, who hasn’t! This of course means that he’s stuck in Venezuela.

3. Terry had some minor heart trouble, but he’s okay.

4. Mini headline on AJC.com: “Mets are panicking”!! We’re only 1.5 back. They lost to the REDS last night. The Reds, you guys. What is this “still in the race after the break” thing and what do I do with it? Last year is still haunting me, and I keep waiting for the punchline, but this is exciting.

5. JS on Salty: “I don’t have any intention of trading him.” Thank goodness! Now if only he’d add, “and I have every intention of miking him permanently.”

6. Skip’s shirt last night. Enough said.

And what’s this?:


“That’s what you’ve got to do to starting pitchers, is make them work and not just go up and swing at the first pitch,” McCann said.

Who you talkin’ bout, Willis?

07/11/2007 (9:01 am)

Heap in All Star Land: DAY TWO (of Two)

Filed under: Heap

Just kidding, it was the Barry Bonds Show Starring Barry! Four hours long, 70% commercials! Kicked off with the traditional Random Guy Gets Humiliated segment, sponsored by Taco Bell! Followed by awkward tribute to Willie Mays, sponsored by Cadillac, featuring Mays signing a ball and giving it to Reyes while Bonds stood nearby and looked at the ball longingly, as if to ask “where the hell is mine?” Which actually was hilarious, but anyway.

Big props to Heap for smacking gum at the camera like a badass during his intro. Hell yeah. The fact that he was forced to catch Wagner was an abomination, but at least he got his one at-bat. He seemed to be friendly with Dmitri Young (who will hopefully not be joining our team, despite negotiations, because that would be like Step One in getting rid of Salty and Salty is OURS GODDAMMIT) and with Russell Martin, the ex-pat saxophone player, who rocked this awesome getup at the Alyssa Milano party:

A Bedazzled van art panther and a plaid golf cap? Martin is officially rad enough to hang with Heap. I’m glad Heap found a friend while he was there, though actually I bet he mostly hung out with his parents, and I can only imagine the text message bill he must have rung up . . .

Frenchy: r u there yet?
Heap: yeah im on the red carpet
Frenchy: ne1 good there?
Heap: u kidding? griffeys like 5 ft away from me
Frenchy: omg omg
Heap: i know
Frenchy: is his wife hot
Heap: dude have some respect
Frenchy: sorry sorry
Frenchy: who else is there
Heap: everyone man, its awesome
Frenchy: :( :(
Heap: hey cmon
Heap: yr prolly doing something fun too
Heap: right?
Frenchy: . . .
Frenchy: i built a sandcastle
Heap: dude
Heap: did you take a picture of it?
Frenchy: um no
Heap: hello mcfly
Heap: hook me up with a picture of that sucker
Frenchy: k
Frenchy: take a pic of griffey for me btw
Heap: oh ive already taken like 50

So, now for two days without baseball. I’ve managed to pack plenty of plans with friends and family into these two days — you know, the “real people” in my life who I normally avoid for the entire summer cause, hello McFly, there’s a game on.

07/10/2007 (7:47 am)

Heap in All Star Land: DAY ONE (of Two)

Filed under: Heap

So last night’s Home Run Derby was disturbingly Heap-free. Not that I wanted him to participate — as the contestants were walking onto the field all I could think was “thank God I don’t particularly care about any of these guys.” I was nervous for them anyway, even for Holliday. But it seemed like last year’s Home Run Derby broadcast was about 90% Heap Recording The Home Run Derby footage. Was it just me? I think he skipped it entirely this year, and I don’t really blame him. Didn’t really seem like his scene — he doesn’t have any kids, or an impressive entourage like Vlad (well, he really does have an impressive entourage, I guess, but they were not invited along).

He did take batting practice, and here’s the singular photographic evidence of such, accompanying the official site’s article:

His smile looks a little forced. Oh, Heap. This All-Star game is such an existential crisis for you, isn’t it?:

“Edgar [Renteria] not being here is really, really weird,” McCann said. “He’s probably put up the best numbers of any shortstop. Chipper [Jones] is having a great year. It’s weird being the only one out here when I’m not having as good of a season as some of my teammates.”

There are more guilt-ridden quotes about his average in the article, if you’re interested, and also this, about meeting Bonds and Griffey:

“I was nervous,” McCann said. “I didn’t really know what to do.”

Of course you didn’t, poor thing! But don’t worry, your old pal David Wright’s got your back:

“He’s one of the best catchers in baseball, not just the National League,” said Mets third baseman David Wright, who is also enjoying his second career All-Star selection. “The way he handles pitchers, his offensive and defensive abilities, when you put it all together, without a doubt he deserves to be here. There will be a lot more of these to come for him.”

Actually, he’s probably just trying to kiss your butt in order to win points with Frenchy (ever seen David Wright in the presence of Frenchy? Just check it out the next time we’re playing the Mets and Frenchy makes it to third . . .), but that doesn’t make what he said any less true.

Things that made me laugh out loud during the Home Run Derby broadcast yesterday:

–The intro song is “Accidentally in Love”? Really? Seriously? Okay.
–There’s a guy on the American League team called “Putz.” Haha.
–The opening segment: “WATER!”
–Berman’s introduction of Alex Rios: “a nice young outfielder.” Yeah, he has no idea who Alex Rios is.
–Ryan Howard’s mini-bio: “Played trombone in high school.”
–Berman in general — was it just me or did he look ROUGH as HELL? I don’t even want to know what he got up to on Sunday night . . . but I’m sure the pictures are being posted on Deadspin as I type this.

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