V Vernacular

01/19/2008 (9:20 pm)

Drunken Saturday Night Post

Filed under: 2007

Congratulations to one of my favorite Braves, Matt Diaz, for this.

Braves Journal has it exactly right, as usual.

The fact that Diaz hasn’t been starting in left everyday since mid-2006 is pretty much everything that frustrates me about the Braves.

In other words: Bobby Cox’s love for people like Ryan Langerhans. Fuck!

11/27/2007 (9:07 am)

It’s That Time of Year!

Filed under: 2007

Spring training won’t start for over three months, only one of the three ceremonies in the Former Housemates’ Offseason Wedding Extravaganza has gone down, but if you ask me, the season has officially begun. So sing out that tired old tune, AJC:

Hampton is injured.

I’ve got goosebumps!

11/19/2007 (6:26 pm)

Hey Guys, There Are Things That Are Happening!

Filed under: 2007

Glavine is back!

He looks scared!

11/07/2007 (6:55 pm)

Phoneless in Mexico

Filed under: 2007

No, I’m not talking about myself, though “phoneless in Mexico” is actually a fairly accurate metaphor for my situation for the past month or so. We’re all moved into our new house — only twenty minutes from Turner Field! — and the new routine is starting to fall into place, though we still don’t have a couch.

Congratulations to the person who is literally phoneless in Mexico, Frenchy, who won his first Gold Glove this week. Andruw also won one, but who gives a shit, he’s ancient history! And apparently he’s talking with the Nationals, ironically enough, but that’s another story.

So, being phoneless, does Frenchy know that he won the Gold Glove? I kind of suspect he does. I assume he calls Heap at least twice a day (from a complex Mexican pay phone of some sort), and there’s like a 75% chance that Heap would remember to mention it between telling him what he had for dinner and about a really funny thing his dog did that day.

What else has changed since I last posted? No more Rent, which saddens me. What we got for him also saddens me in the lack-of-instant-gratification sense, but who knows, maybe that fellow whose name looks like a really bad Scrabble hand will end up being a solid starting pitcher. We also have a new General Manager. Apparently there is some sort of disaster involving the Orioles in his past, but when the Orioles are involved, I suppose disaster is pretty much the status quo. Just ask Leo.

Oh, and we’re after Glavine. Here’s the love note we passed to him in the press. I don’t really have anything to add to the speculation, but check out this funny picture:

A bow tie! Really! I was hoping this was a shot from Frenchy’s wedding, but it turns out Tommy and his wife were just going to the White House. Booooooring!

10/07/2007 (11:36 am)

Best And Worst of 2007

Filed under: 2007

How delightful was it to watch the Phillies get swept? Go Rockies! Now, please enjoy my dumb opinions about the year. I’ve included the winners (and losers) from last year to add some perspective. Let me know what you guys think of my choices.

Best All Around Player: For me, it was Matt Diaz. His defense improved so much, and I knew that it would if Bobby just showed a little faith in him. And his offense never faltered. I’m sure the Braves will try to sell him to Japan again this offseason.
(Last year’s winner: Heap)
Runner-Up: Chipper
(Last year’s runner up: Smoltz)

Worst All Around Player: Mark Redman. No contest.
(Last year’s worst: Reitsma)
Runner-Up: Chris Woodward. WHAT THE HELL WAS THE POINT?!
(Last year’s runner up: Brian Jordan)

Best Surprise: Peter Moylan
(Last year’s best surprise: Matt Diaz)

Worst Surprise: Andruw Jones
(Last year’s worst surprsie: Tim Hudson)

Best Game: For me, it’s a tie between coming back to beat the Phillies in the 8th and 9th after we were down by six runs, and the last game I went to this season, when Devy got the win and we won in the 11th.
(Last year’s best game: September 17th against the Marlins)

Worst Game: Another tie, between all three games of our last homestand against the Mets, who were phenomenally awful at the end of the year, but still held us to like half a run throughout the series. What a joke.
(Last year’s worst game: HoRam’s meltdown in the first game of an important series against the Mets on July 28th. We ended up getting swept that time, too.)

Most Energetic: Yunel Escobar
(Last year’s Winner: Marcus Giles)

Least Energetic: Bob Wickman
(Last year’s winner: Adam LaRoche)

Best Sponsorship: Sonic, for using Joe and Chip in a “commercial”
(Last year’s winner: Rinnai Tankless Water Heaters: The Official Water Heater of the Atlanta Braves!)

Most Annoying Commercial: That fucking “Keno” piece of garbage.
(Last year’s worst: “It was CARRIE!!”)

Most Entertaining Phrase from a Commercial: “Cole slaw,” as said by Heap in the Sports South promo where they talk about their least favorite foods. I don’t know why, but I laugh out loud every time I hear him say that.
(Last year’s winner: “separate cat rooms” from a radio commercial for a pet service)

Most Uses of the Word “Awesome”: Heap
(Last year’s winner: Heap)

Biggest PR Disaster: Wicky. Everyone was all too happy to out him as an asshole after he got canned.
Runner-up: Chipper jumping at the chance to go off on Smoltz.
(Last year’s disaster: HomeboyGate)

Smartest Marketing Ploy: The AT&T All Star of the Game. Getting the players to sing karaoke on the jumbotron was a classic move, though I’d credit Frenchy before the
marketing department, because I’m sure it was all his idea.
(Last year’s winner: The McMansion Tours)

Stupidest Marketing Ploy: Jerome Jurenovich in general
(Last year’s stupidest: the MC Hammer video)

Best Announcer: Pete really impressed me even more than usual this year.
(Last year’s winner: Skip)

Best Broadcast Line (Televised): Everything Skip said on his last TBS broadcast.
(Last year’s winner: “You’ve just gotta go out there and be like, ‘Look, Dontrelle'” -Gant)

Best Broadcast Line (Radio): “Now he’s kicking dirt at Wegner — twice! Three times! Four! FIVE! SIX!!” — Pete, on Lou Pienlla’s meltdown in Chicago.
(Last year’s winner: “We used to have a fan in here, but I guess Fox took that, too.” -Skip)

Best Miked Player: Salty. Every word was priceless.
(Last year’s winner: Diaz, for his time traveling baseball player question that no one answered.)

Worst Miked Player: Heap improved a bit this year, but he was still kind of dull compared to Chuckie, Moylan, Paronto, Willie, and the others who were miked.
(Last year’s worst: Heap)

Hottest Player: Salty by miles. He’ll be missed.

Hottest Wife: Yunel’s. I believe her name is Minerva.

Best Screw-Up (?) By the Camera Crew: They showed a woman holding up a sign that said: “CHIPPER, SEND CHILD SUPPORT” for just a second after a commercial break in the 2nd one night.

Best Hobby: The Connect Four tournaments
(Last year’s winner: Todd Pratt’s Everquest addiction)

Best Fan Club: Salty’s Shakers were the only ones who really grabbed my attention this year.
(Last year’s winner: Edgar’s Eggs)

Biggest Fan of Heap: His brother Brad. And the article about the two of them was my favorite of the year.
(Last year’s winner: Jeff Torborg)

Most Overrated Managing Strategy: Any and every use of Pete Orr.
(Last year’s most overrated: lefty-righty platooning)

And some new categories for 2007:

Best Use of Telekinetic Powers: Frenchy, for shutting the stadium lights off with his mind after getting thrown out.

Most Anti-climatic Record-Breaking Event: Bobby breaking the all time ejections record. It happened between innings — I was there, and nobody noticed.

Most Matching Dogs: Heap & Frenchy. I think they’re up to five or six dogs between the two of them.


I’ll be back to post some of the best AP photos of the year later on today.

08/22/2007 (9:57 am)

No Excuses, Except For This Really Good One

Filed under: 2007

One principle that never fails when it comes to quotes from ballplayers: as soon as you hear them say “no excuses,” they’re about to offer up an excuse.

“There’s no excuses,” Moylan said. “The ball just kept slipping out of my hand, and no matter of rosin would keep it sticky. I’ve never had that problem before.”

That’s actually a pretty good excuse. I mean, I’ll take it. We don’t want to be mad at you, Moylan. Heck, I don’t want to be mad at any of them, except of course Hampton. I can’t even believe he has the nerve to dress out for games. He’s going to be my excuse when explaining this season as a fan. As soon as someone opens his mouth to, I don’t know, criticize our record at home, or Andruw’s complete offensive collapse, or that time Chipper slept with a Hooters waitress (it amazes me how often people cite this as a reason to hate the Braves), I’ll just say, “Yeah, well — no excuses, but, I mean. Mike Hampton.” That should shut them up.

07/18/2007 (7:18 pm)

Something Not Cynical!

Filed under: 2007

So, okay. We got swept by the Reds. Davies, who started this disaster off with a bang, got hung out to dry at the end there, having to come up in the bottom of the fifteenth when we were down by one with two outs. And he’s a pitcher, right, but you know it was insult to injury to strike out there. Dark, dark stuff.

Just read this little article about Escobar’s family, and you’ll feel better. At least until tomorrow morning, when I will explain, in meticulous fake-dialogue detail, how Julio Franco will save our asses singlehandedly.

Oh, and here’s something cute about Heap being in awe of his elders and calling himself a nobody. Maybe someday, if he’s a first-ballot hall of famer, he’ll admit that, yeah, he’s kind of good at baseball. But he’ll probably just shrug and mutter something about how he can’t even believe they let him park in the players’ lot all those years.

06/14/2007 (11:37 am)

Can’t We Just Skip June?

Filed under: 2007

Things are looking bleak. The starting rotation hasn’t been this bad in awhile, and having our one dependable starter getting over an injury doesn’t help. The offense is so frustrating, I feel like I know what will happen before our innings even begin. When we get breaks like the few we had last night on opponents’ errors and weird infield hits, we can’t do anything with them. We can’t do anything with the Mets handing us the division for the past week — it’s just sitting there, in the palm of an open blue and orange hand, and while we stand around scratching our butts and tripping over ourselves, the Phillies are sneaking around our shoulders, ready to grab it.

Yesterday I was looking through my site’s records of the search phrases that have led people here since I started posting in February, and it was way more amusing than I expected. I figure everyone needs a laugh right now, so I thought I’d post some of my best findings . . .


“good and bad things about velcro”
“velcro were it came from”
“why did he made velcro”
“why did someone make velcro”

Looking To Land a Ballplayer:

“kelly johnson braves girlfriend”
“brayan pena girlfriend status”
“kelly johnson and atlanta braves and wife”
“tony pena jr married?”
“brian mccann s girlfriend”
“cole hamels admirer”
“salty wife braves”
“jorge sosas girlfriend” (WHY??)


“pictures of ryan langerhans wedding”
“why did john smoltz and wife get divorced”
“francoeur a-rod sandwich”
“whatever happened to mark wohlers”
“chipper jones hooters photo”

Exteremely Bizarre:

“bobby with velcro”
“looking for picture of tiger wood as a child wearing glasses”
“brayan pena s mother”
“baseball donuts”
“jon sciambi salary” (Joe Simpson, is that you?)
“pete van wieren shaved head”
“velcro scooter number plates”
“longest mullet”
“does jeff francoeur wear glasses” (No . . .?)
“french boobs” (haha, boobs! Why French in particular?)
“pitchers of a cheeseburger” (Wicky?)
“eerily calm after about seven or eight beers” (what?!)
“happy everything platter with velcro”
“velociraptor sound byte”
“jeff francoeur groin”
“lots of cole slaw”

How Did This Lead To My Site??:

“miniature scroll rods for wedding invitations”
“hillary duff smoking”
“quotations on dracula”
“he ll make it alright bobby jones gospel”

The Famous Chipper Scares Wicky Video:

“does anyone have a video of chipper jones scaring wickman?”
“video of jones scaring wickman”
“wickman jones funny clip”
“wickman scared by chipper”
(and many more variations)

Sounds Like Something I Would Search For:

“doofy sports announcers”
“can i wear a sundress to baseball game?” (In Atlanta? Hell yes!)
“crazed baseball fans jumping onto the field”
“joey devine life biography”
“funny bobby cox quotes”

I Laughed For Like Ten Minutes:

“does andruw jones have a mom”

What I learned from this:

–A lot of people think Our Katy Temple is hot (she’s one of my top search phrases, along with Hillary Duff, because I made a joke about her dating Zito once)

–A lot of girls want to know if Heap is engaged. Apparently they have come to terms with Frenchy’s engagement — not really much about Frenchy was searched for on the romantic front (unless you count the one about his groin, yikes!).

–Someone out there really wants to hook up with Brayan Pena.

–Someone thinks Andruw might have been a test tube baby.

05/29/2007 (11:15 am)


Filed under: 2007

Oh. My God.

My friend Mary just sent me this link:

Frenchy singing “Baby One More Time”

WARNING: It is horrifying. And yet you will not be able to turn it off.

He sounds kind of drunk/really country in parts. This is simultaneously the greatest and worst thing ever.

04/06/2007 (10:16 pm)

Well, That Was Bullshit

Filed under: 2007

I can’t believe I was at that game. I’m ASHAMED that I was at that game.

Good: Frenchy looked at two pitches before he hit his homer. For him, a very impressive at-bat.

Bad: Woodward sucks. Yates SUCKS.

I have never, NEVER! left a game before the end . . . but after Yates came in and gave up I don’t even remember how many runs with no outs, we took off, and by the time we got to the bar, it was 11-1.

And speaking of the bar, there is no better place to be after a horrid, horrid, embarrassing Braves loss than the bar at the Holiday Inn on Capitol Avenue. I have never seen so many drunk, depressed Braves fans in one place. I was one of them, and it made me feel better. One guy stood up at the end of the bar and screamed “Hey! Smoltz tomorrow!” and we all just sort of started at him, silent and dejected, but it was appreciated nonetheless.

I’ll post more tomorrow about this humiliating disaster, but in the meantime, man. Who starts Woodward against the Mets in the home opener?? Who starts Woodward EVER? He made at least three errors, according to my field-level estimation.

But tomorrow is another day . . .

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