V Vernacular

06/30/2007 (9:34 am)

Good Old Days

Filed under: Videos

I wish I could have seen these films; they sound really funny and interesting. Two things about that article bothered me, though:

“I think the money has changed a lot, and I think that’s reflected in these films,” Filipi said. “Everything just seemed slower back then, and people took the time to appreciate more. It seemed like players really appreciated the ability to be a Major League Baseball player back then, even though they weren’t making that much more than the average person.”

Yeah, you know one thing that has changed about baseball and money? The owners don’t totally screw the players over anymore. Ballplayers make a lot of money because a lot of people pay to attend games, buy merchandise, etc. I’d rather have the players become ridiculously rich along with the owners, if someone’s going to be ridiculously rich either way. And what the hell does “everything just seemed slower back then” mean?

This killed me even more, though:

As usual, the player that drew the most laughs from the audience was none other than Yogi Berra, who was shown having a heart-to-heart conversation with a cat in the early 1960s. The commercial was an advertisement for Puss’n Boots cat food, and found Berra watching in awe as his feline counterpart demonstrated its athletic abilities as part of a gymnastics routine.

“There were great characters back then,” Filipi said of Berra. “It seems like there aren’t characters anymore. Everyone is so conscious of their image [today] that no one would really allow themselves to be put in a position like that.”

Mr. Filipi doesn’t think there are characters in baseball anymore?! Watch about five Braves games and then get back to me, pal. Not to mention villains like Bonds, psychos like Ozzie Guillen, and unclassifiables like Manny Ramirez — dude has his own brand of wine called Manny Being Merlot. The fact that these guys are so obsessed with their images makes them every bit as hilarious as Berra, we’re just laughing at them, not with them. Is he kidding me with “no one would really allow themselves to be put in a position like that”? Sir, may I introduce you to one of the thousands of insultingly stupid commercials Jeter and A-Rod have done during their careers?

The most embarrassingly awkward commercial I’ve ever seen was Ho-Ram’s Texas Pete hot sauce commercial that ran last season. He didn’t have a bunch of cute, needy children with him like Huddy does in this year’s version — it was just Ho-Ram and a dancing bottle of hot sauce. Maybe I’ll see it again someday, in a film preservation society’s collection of videos . . . when I’m 80 years old and bitching about how billionaire robots have completely ruined baseball.

06/28/2007 (2:31 pm)

Bobby Can’t Believe This [Stuff]

Filed under: Bobby

ESPN is messing with our shit and Bobby is pissed. You tell ‘em, Bobby. There is a reason the games on GETAWAY DAY are at 1:00. Can’t we just refuse to cooperate with ESPN? They hate us passionately as it is, so there’s not really much of a bridge to burn there.

I think Jimmy Carter needs to attend every game for the rest of the season. He was powerful good luck last night:

“But why do they call him Heap, grandpa?!”

06/27/2007 (11:30 am)

The Scooter Situation

Filed under: Frenchy,Kelly,Salty,Thor

Scooter has entered platoon land, and he doesn’t want to talk about it. Dave O’Brien assumes this means he’s pissed. I of course came to the same conclusion, but I kind of hate to see Scooter called out for his dissatisfaction with the situation, since he’s already on Bobby’s bad/platoon side. I think it’s interesting that guys like Scooter get yelled at openly in the dugout and then promptly platooned while Frenchy is scot free to do whatever the hell he wants without consequences. Really interesting.

I like Escobar, and I enjoy seeing him play up here, but it still seems like Scoot got the shaft. He’s been slumping along with everyone else (Frenchy, anyone?!), but he had such a great start to the season after working so hard to get ready, I don’t think he should be slapped with a platoon death sentence so quickly. Maybe it’s not a death sentence — some platoons work. I used to harp on Bobby for having the nerve to platoon Diaz with dead on his feet Langerhans, but when Diaz got a (very short) chance to play more regularly, he wasn’t spectacular, and the platoon with Willie works beautifully. But I personally would have liked to see Scoot get a real chance to authoritatively reclaim second base before Bobby handed half his playing time over to Escobar.

Still, Escobar is a valuable addition to the club, and Bobby has to play him somewhere, he’s too good to just ride the bench with the likes of Orr and Woody. But I don’t blame Scoot for feeling like he got his playing time docked a bit prematurely.

In the meantime, Salty on first base is an absolute delight, but I feel bad for Thor, who just can’t seem to get anything going consistently. I always feel more optimistic when I see Salty over there, and he’s still at that developmental defensive stage where his errors are just like comic relief.

We just have too many likable fellas on the team right now. And as likable as Frenchy is, it’s really starting to piss me off that his slumps don’t yield the same consequences that the others’ do. I’d be all for playing Willie in right once in awhile, but hell, I’m ready for Willie to play center . . .

06/26/2007 (8:15 am)


Filed under: Heap

There’s the Heap we all know and love, singlehandedly winning games and pretending he wasn’t 3-run-homer offended when they had the nerve to walk Andruw to get to him! Give ‘em hell, Heap!

Just before he hit his RBI single, Pete was talking Doomsday, bringing up Heap’s career .275 average in the minors, reminding us that there is a chance that Heap’s 2006 was a once in a lifetime thing. I don’t expect him to hit .333 every year, but c’mon, Pete! He’s too smart to hit .275, let alone .250. It was great to see the Heapster carry the team on his shoulders right after Pete, usually quite a homer-ish optimist, brought up the ole’ minor league numbers. It’s a legitimate point, but I continue to think that Heap was just slumping because of that pesky left ring finger, and that he’s still fighting to get rid of bad habits that developed after that injury. I think the stress of the team’s recent performance probably has some effect on how slowly he’s returning to form.

That’s right. When things go wrong with Heap, I’ll blame the rest of the team. Ha . . .

Oh, God, Woodward. Don’t even touch him.

06/25/2007 (9:25 am)

More Adventures From Turner Field

Filed under: Field Trips

We went to the game on Saturday with some friends from out of town, one of whom was a Tigers fan. It was actually an exciting game, and I really felt like we were in it the whole time, despite the bad calls. It was cool to see Bobby tie the all-time ejections record, and of course seeing Heap get thrown out and walked back to the dugout by a sympathetic Frenchy was the highlight of the afternoon. Other things worth mentioning:

–Paronto is cool. We were up in the corner in the Lexus level, and he was down in right field throwing with Wicky, his BFF. Wicky left, and our Tiger loving friend waved to Paronto, who tried to throw a batting practice ball up to our level (300 level). It hit the balcony and bounced back down, so he tried it again, and missed again. Finally he got one up into the suite behind us on the third try, and the guys in the suite gave our friend the ball. It was funny; I think our friend was impressed with the fan-friendliness of my darling Braves — thanks Paronto!

–Salty took grounders at first during BP.

–Chuckie’s wife is featured on one of their ads right now, and we had a laugh about that. She’s very little and cute (Chuckie-sized, really), and in the ad he’s standing next to her and staring down at her adoringly while she reads the ad copy, too funny! We also saw the Chuckie edition of the five-questions feature . . . all I remember is that his favorite TV show is Walker, Texas Ranger.

–I was impressed with Atlanta fans for only throwing three water bottles (that I saw) when Bobby tied the all-time ejections record. Very classy show of restraint during a frustrating game on a hot day. The ejection happened in the ninth inning, when Heap lost it on Fairchild, who’d already screwed him on a call on a tag at the plate. It was something to get excited about — we were chanting “BOBBY” and of course I was screaming “YOU TELL HIM, HEAP!!” The whole bottom of the ninth really impressed me, as far as the fan reaction — people were complaining after the Sox fans invaded, but Atlanta fans were really into it, despite our recent struggles.

–That said, the freaking sound effects almost spoiled some authentic, fan-created cheers, which pissed me off. When we already have a loud, stadium-wide cheer going for a player, why interrupt it with the recorded “CHARGE” cheer? I was embarrassed by all the sound effects hoopla with my out of town guests there — it’s really over the top, and can kill real excitement and tension. Oh, and the Bloopers segment between innings MUST DIE. So stupid/irrelevant/redneck/embarrassing. Sports bloopers would be one thing, but do I really need to see “Ouch, My Balls!: The Movie” at a freakin’ Braves game? Why???

–Finally: I liked and recommend the Lexus level. It’s not that close to the field, and if you sit in section 331 you’ll be behind the foul pole, but you have an air conditioned, uncrowded concourse area with a variety of beers as opposed to the usual crap, and the bathrooms have balconies, which for some reason really impressed me. What I loved best, though: no vendors walking around and constantly blocking my view of the field with giant towers of cotton candy. I actually liked sitting up there better than in the 121 area around the first base line, though of course nothing beats sitting behind the dugout.

06/21/2007 (7:05 am)

I Can’t Believe I Watched the Whole Thing

Filed under: Frenchy,Joey Devine,McBride

Actually, I didn’t. I skipped the 9th, because watching that game had felt like a chore since the 1st. So of course I managed to miss the only things worth seeing: Devy pitching and Frenchy throwing Varitek out at third. Dammit. At least the Get The Hell Out of Our City Series is over. God knows what will happen against the Tigers, but after that we’ll see the Nationals . . who took a four game series from us last time we played them. Dammit.

The stuff about McBride leaving actually made me sad on the pre-game show, mostly because they featured Depressed Frenchy opining for friendships lost. Hmm. In exchange for our buddy McBaseOnBalls, we got another lefty reliever, a fellow by the name of Wilfredo. So I’ll be calling him Fredo, and hopefully I won’t have to bust out any stupid Godfather jokes, because, you know, they’ll only work if he’s bad.

Frenchy made me mad when he said he was looking forward to the off day. Normally I wouldn’t care, but lately he looks like he just wants to get his at-bats over with, and if he thinks an off day will solve his problems . . . well, I doubt it. Meanwhile, the shots of Andruw furiously shaving away his bat handle were disturbing. I’m sure it was a toothpick by the 9th, but then, I turned the game off in the 8th, so I wouldn’t know.

06/20/2007 (2:45 pm)

The Gang’s All Here!

Filed under: Joey Devine,McBride

Welcome back, Devy! According to Chop-n-Change, we just sent McBride packing and Dev’s up from the minors. I can’t say I’ll miss McBride all that much — his uncanny ability to forget how to pitch after getting two outs (or two strikes, if he was only called in to get one batter) was driving me crazy. I also can’t help feeling a little sorry for him when I try to imagine him pulling that crap with Leyland’s club, but good luck to him.

I can’t wait to hear what we got in return . . . and of course, I can’t wait for Devy’s major league antics to resume. Hopefully he’ll actually get to pitch this time.

06/16/2007 (9:26 am)

Close Call

Filed under: Heap,Orr,Salty

Noo, Heap, don’t touch Orr, he’s bad luck!!!!

Phew . . . he stopped himself just in time.

Heap needs all the good luck he can get right now. His arch nemesis has recently taken his place in the lefty-platoon version of the batting order, where he is kicking ass, I must say, and rather endearingly so.

Salty on he and Yuney’s heroics in last night’s win:

“Maybe it’s just being young and dumb,” said Saltalamacchia, smiling widely in a postgame clubhouse that felt like something other than a morgue for the first time this week.

How can you not love him? I certainly didn’t expect to, but he won me over quick. I think Thor has a lot more to worry about than Heap, but I would love to see Heap throw out a few baserunners and get his defensive mojo back (not that Salty didn’t have a game where five Marlins stole on him — ouch! I was at that game, but could just imagine the broadcast cutting to suggestive shots of Heap watching from the dugout). Offensively, I think Heap will come around soon — the homer during the Loss of the Century was a good sign. And I’d rather have him behind the plate when it comes to calling games and babysitting borderline pitchers, even if a few bases get stolen in the process. Just stay away from the poisonous cloud that is Orr, Heap, and everything will work out.

06/14/2007 (9:51 pm)

As Far As I’m Concerned

Filed under: Soriano,Wicky

Soriano is now our closer.

I’ve wanted him to close for awhile now, ever since Wicky blew that win for Huddy in Florida. Every time Wicky has come in this year, I’ve been nervous.

Now, he’s dead to me. Do whatever you want with him Bobby, but Soriano comes in when it matters.

That was just . . . unbelievably awful.

06/14/2007 (11:37 am)

Can’t We Just Skip June?

Filed under: 2007

Things are looking bleak. The starting rotation hasn’t been this bad in awhile, and having our one dependable starter getting over an injury doesn’t help. The offense is so frustrating, I feel like I know what will happen before our innings even begin. When we get breaks like the few we had last night on opponents’ errors and weird infield hits, we can’t do anything with them. We can’t do anything with the Mets handing us the division for the past week — it’s just sitting there, in the palm of an open blue and orange hand, and while we stand around scratching our butts and tripping over ourselves, the Phillies are sneaking around our shoulders, ready to grab it.

Yesterday I was looking through my site’s records of the search phrases that have led people here since I started posting in February, and it was way more amusing than I expected. I figure everyone needs a laugh right now, so I thought I’d post some of my best findings . . .


“good and bad things about velcro”
“velcro were it came from”
“why did he made velcro”
“why did someone make velcro”

Looking To Land a Ballplayer:

“kelly johnson braves girlfriend”
“brayan pena girlfriend status”
“kelly johnson and atlanta braves and wife”
“tony pena jr married?”
“brian mccann s girlfriend”
“cole hamels admirer”
“salty wife braves”
“jorge sosas girlfriend” (WHY??)


“pictures of ryan langerhans wedding”
“why did john smoltz and wife get divorced”
“francoeur a-rod sandwich”
“whatever happened to mark wohlers”
“chipper jones hooters photo”

Exteremely Bizarre:

“bobby with velcro”
“looking for picture of tiger wood as a child wearing glasses”
“brayan pena s mother”
“baseball donuts”
“jon sciambi salary” (Joe Simpson, is that you?)
“pete van wieren shaved head”
“velcro scooter number plates”
“longest mullet”
“does jeff francoeur wear glasses” (No . . .?)
“french boobs” (haha, boobs! Why French in particular?)
“pitchers of a cheeseburger” (Wicky?)
“eerily calm after about seven or eight beers” (what?!)
“happy everything platter with velcro”
“velociraptor sound byte”
“jeff francoeur groin”
“lots of cole slaw”

How Did This Lead To My Site??:

“miniature scroll rods for wedding invitations”
“hillary duff smoking”
“quotations on dracula”
“he ll make it alright bobby jones gospel”

The Famous Chipper Scares Wicky Video:

“does anyone have a video of chipper jones scaring wickman?”
“video of jones scaring wickman”
“wickman jones funny clip”
“wickman scared by chipper”
(and many more variations)

Sounds Like Something I Would Search For:

“doofy sports announcers”
“can i wear a sundress to baseball game?” (In Atlanta? Hell yes!)
“crazed baseball fans jumping onto the field”
“joey devine life biography”
“funny bobby cox quotes”

I Laughed For Like Ten Minutes:

“does andruw jones have a mom”

What I learned from this:

–A lot of people think Our Katy Temple is hot (she’s one of my top search phrases, along with Hillary Duff, because I made a joke about her dating Zito once)

–A lot of girls want to know if Heap is engaged. Apparently they have come to terms with Frenchy’s engagement — not really much about Frenchy was searched for on the romantic front (unless you count the one about his groin, yikes!).

–Someone out there really wants to hook up with Brayan Pena.

–Someone thinks Andruw might have been a test tube baby.

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