V Vernacular

01/15/2008 (11:50 am)

Newsflash: Frenchy Rented A Movie

Filed under: Frenchy,Heap

What is going on with Frenchy and the AJC? Is he calling them every day and begging to be covered? Yesterday they posted a belated feature on his November honeymoon, and today we get this delightful peek into the world that is Frenchy:

Movies Frenchy has watched recently.

No, really.

I love the Harry Potter response on both ends. And the Superbad one, too (Mrs. Frenchy tries to save Frenchy’s dewy reputation: too late!).

I am worried about Frenchy’s dog, though:

Particularly in the metaphorical sense.

Meanwhile, Heap is doing yoga. Which may or may not be a cry for help.

12/19/2007 (7:53 pm)

Historic Quote of the Day

Filed under: Frenchy,Heap

From the Bowman Chronicles, of course. Circa March ’07:

Still, Francoeur showed absolutely no sense of jealousy or animosity when he came through the clubhouse doors at Disney’s Wide World of Sports Complex on Thursday morning. All seemed normal. As usual, the 23-year-old right fielder was wearing a bright smile and walking alongside McCann.

I miss baseball a lot, and this officially sanctioned fangirling, too. When do we hear about Frenchy’s contract??

And how about Pratt on the Mitchell Report?! I laughed out loud, guiltily.

12/09/2007 (4:10 pm)

And the Offseason Rolls On . . .

Filed under: Andruw,Ex-Braves,Frenchy,Heap

So Andruw ended up in L.A. (and we thought he wrecked havoc here in little old Buckhead . . . just wait!), Cormier was released, and the Braves are building a section behind home plate for the Scrooge McDucks of Atlanta baseball fandom. It’s always nice to have some news in the offseason, and to find out where players will end up for the year, but most is pretty lame. I just can’t get into it without Skip’s commentary and Bulova commercials.

HOWEVER, please see this incredibly exciting Heap n’ Frenchy video, (scroll to 1:40) which features the two of them taking in a Hawks game, of all things. Aficionados will note that Heap is wearing The Shirt. I love that Frenchy’s reaction to significant action during a game is the same as mine: stand up, remain standing up for an inappropriate amount of time, then stare at everyone who is sitting down in shock/disappointment. Many thanks to Leah for the link.

09/30/2007 (7:24 pm)

Another Weird Season Bites the Dust

Filed under: Frenchy,Heap,Skip

Jesus, what a game. It was truly the kind of thing only that Lynchian joke of a ballpark in Houston could deliver. Skip made it 100% enjoyable — I barely noticed that the regular starters who hadn’t already boarded the charter sucked on a comical level — and I’m really, really glad I recorded his final TV broadcast. As soon as it ended, I marked it “save until I delete” on my Tivo. Right up there with Frenchy and Heap’s first tandem interview with OKT, it will never be deleted. When Skip started off the broadcast by telling Chip “I almost called you Josh,” I knew I was in for some serious entertainment. The awkward Star Trek jokes, digs at the sponsors (all the better for the fact that he was basically doing a pastiche of his previous sincere objections to the Afleck duck), and his impatience with the constant hugging of Craig Biggio (somebody had to say it) were all delightful, as was his heartfelt message for the fans. I don’t know what the Braves would be like for me without Skip. I refuse to think about it.

And apparently “Peachtree TV” is a real . . . thing . . . of some sort? I had been under the impression that it was just a complex metaphor and/or inside joke.

The Phillies won the division today. Try saying that out loud without laughing mirthlessly in disbelief! Listening to Mets fans gripe is always fantastic . . . but the Phillies are just icky. At least I’ll have a passionate investment in the 2007 playoffs — watching the Phillies get eliminated! I’m personally rooting for the Indians to take it all . . . unfortunately, I think the Diamondbacks will take the NL title. I remember being really happy for them when they beat the Yankees in ’01, but that was a very different team. I can’t get behind anything that Eric Byrnes is a part of . . . my irrational hatred of him on behalf of Heap’s ankle prevents it. Also, I generally root against people who were once on the A’s. I’ve only recently forgiven Huddy for that former affiliation.

Alright, let’s get on with it:

Your McFrenchy Moments of the Year!

I’ll be back soon with some more legitimate — and interesting, I’d wager, to most people — end of the season wrap ups this week. Now that I don’t have ball games to watch at night, I might actually have time to update my baseball blog.

09/16/2007 (4:14 pm)

Awwww . . .

Filed under: Heap,Huddy

Now that was just downright heartwarming.

Way to go, Huddy (and Heap).

09/12/2007 (7:50 pm)


Filed under: Heap

I just wanted to apologize quickly for being so quiet on here and on Talking Chop lately. I just got a new job, and I have yet to work out how I’ll do anything other than commute, work, eat and sleep. I’ll figure it out eventually, then I’ll get back to the business of posting regularly. Unlike my previous university job, at my new job I actually have stuff to do all day long, and can’t fool around on the internet.

A few notes from this Mets series so far:

–The Sad Heap shot at the end of the first game? Epic. They showed it twice, then Pete mentioned it during the next game. “No one is more broken up than Brian McCann,” or some such — “he leaned on the dugout railing for FIVE MINUTES!” Nobody does depressed like Heap.

–I’m at the point in the season where, after a win like last night’s, all I can think is, “ah, at least Heap won’t cry himself to sleep!” That’s right, boys, win them for Heap. Cause, why bother, otherwise. But I’m not bitter or avoidant when we don’t go to the playoffs. I’m getting sad already, thinking about the baseball-less months ahead, and I appreciate the games we have left.

–Anybody know anything about Skip? Is he just taking the rest of the year off and everything’s fine? That’s what I’m hoping . . .

My new boss is a huge Braves fan, by the way. I think it’s one of the reasons I got the job — I was talking about the damn Braves about five seconds into the interview. Hey, he had a Braves mug holder on his desk, I had an in!

09/09/2007 (10:30 am)

Behold The Power of Little Edgar

Filed under: Frenchy,Heap

Yeah, I’m posting this every day until we lose:

It could be the power of the Nationals (or lack thereof) that is allowing us to win, but weren’t they on a five game winning streak before they came to Atlanta? Haven’t they been getting more press cred than the Braves all year, for outshining expectations? I continue to have faith in Little Edgar. He’s at least put some kind of powerful curse on Zimmerman’s throwing arm.

Here’s a cute picture of Frenchy and Heap (and Yates) as well, for good measure:

Last year, Labor Day weekend was a nightmare (remember the game where Howard hit three off of Huddy?), but afterward I was able to enjoy the rest of the season. The same thing seems to be happening this year — I’m watching the games without dread this week — but we’re not quite as dead in the water as we were in 2006. Today is Bark in the Park day, so I estimate about 19,309 more Lance Barksdale jokes from Chip. I just hope Skip shows up today — where has he been?

09/08/2007 (3:37 pm)

It Worked Yesterday . . .

Filed under: Heap

Again, a picture of Rent and his goldfish:

Help us, Little Edgar. You’re our only hope!

Great — though bizarre — game last night. Watching Smoltzie pitch like that is a blast, even though he didn’t get the no hitter. How strange was that incident with the security guard, though? And how about the look on Extremely Cynical September Joe’s face while the whole thing was going down? He looked like he wanted to enact revenge personally. I think that idiot who ran onto the field is in for way more trouble than he expected.

Some semi-bad news: Heap might have to have surgery in the offseason. Hopefully it could help out with his ankle problems, but the fact that his surgeries are starting before his twenty-fifth birthday . . . sucks. I’ll send a get well soon card, certainly.

08/29/2007 (11:07 am)

A List Of Things I’m Mad About, Followed By A Hiatus

Filed under: Frenchy,Heap,Smoltz

I’m going on a little mini-vacation starting tomorrow and won’t be back online until Labor Day evening at the earliest. We’re actually going to be downtown all weekend, and we’re going to the Mets games on Friday and Saturday, but we’re staying in a hotel that charges like twenty bucks a day for internet access, and I don’t really feel like crawling around the Peachtree Center food court with my laptop at any point this weekend, so screw it, I need a break from the many hours I spent online every day anyway.

But before I go?

Things I’m Mad About!

1. Smoltz barking at Heap last night, on the field, in the most bitchtastic manner possible, after a botched play on first that Heap had nothing to do with. You kidding me? If you’re going to be That Guy when we’re losing, Smoltz, please direct your anger at someone with an ego at least somewhat proportional to yours, so at the very least we can have another media blowout to entertain us as the season draws to an underwhelming close. When Heap threw that ball into centerfield shortly afterward, I had to cringe and hide my face. That’s what happens when you pick on him, Smoltz! Everything Heap does wrong can be traced directly back to other people’s faults, but readers of this blog of course know that by now.

2. Normally I wouldn’t bother, but this here blog features an exclusive “fuck it, I’m going after the owners” quote from Andruw today, so I read it. I got as far as “sartorial tastes” before I regretted eating breakfast beforehand.

3. Finally, you know what has really been making me mad lately? Frenchy. I’ve felt irrationally angry whenever I’ve seen him for the past few weeks. I keep telling myself to lay off a little bit, because he’s improved a lot this season — or at least it looked that way for awhile. Recently, it’s like he just dumped everything and went back to vintage April 2006 Frenchy, because that’s exactly what this team needs right now. His flailing, bent-at-the-waist strikeouts last night were just unbelievable, and the fact that he got himself thrown out really pissed me off. He’s been sniping at umpires constantly for the past week or so, cause it’s got to be SOMEBODY ELSE’S FAULT, right, Frenchy? Sometimes tirades are well deserved, such as Teixeira’s a week or so ago, when the game ended on a strike call though the pitch was a foot off the plate. But when Frenchy is swinging at stuff that is three feet off the plate without a moment’s hesitation, does he really expect a lot of leeway from umpires? Oh, and I’m so sick of the elbow knock. I blame Frenchy for it entirely.

I also blame him for this:

I don’t blame hapless Orr for trying to get out of the way, or Andruw for trying to overcompensate, but still. Next to “Pete Orr” in the baseball encyclopedia? This picture, yes?

08/20/2007 (9:37 am)


Filed under: Heap

I don’t even know where to begin. This is like the Davies “Heap and Frenchy were snobby when I sucked!” retrospective times a thousand. Daniel, when I said you’d made my morning by sending me this link, I really meant you’d made my week.

I never even knew the whole backstory about Heap’s older brother (better dead than Reds? I knew there was a reason I had that phrase stuck in my head last night at dinner). Any article about Heap is of course a delight, but, I mean:

Brian is supposed to be laid-back and beloved in the clubhouse; I hear Brad is a hothead, and he’s probably bitter.

ESPN was NOT fucking around, ya’ll. I basically stopped watching their television channel a few months ago because, well, I just don’t like Barry Bonds that much, thanks, but this article is excellent, no joke. I actually laughed out loud in disbelief at this:

Is Brad the favorite son?

Oh yeah, they went there. Of course, Heap and his brother did not bite. Heap is polite and adorable throughout — there’s even a mention that he called his mom to make sure she wouldn’t say anything during her interview that would imply that he’s better than his brother. He’s actually referred to as “kind of a stuffed animal” at one point. Which is, yeah, accurate.

And then, the brother, who, let’s face it, we’re all sort of wanting to be a little bitter and weird, right, cause how could he not be? Dude is living on a farm with a host family while playing for the Royals’ A-ball team (their mascot is a piece of celery), and when the reporter tells him that Heap says he’d trade places with him if he could, he busts out this little speech:

“I wouldn’t let it happen,” he said, leaning across the table. “Brian has busted his ass since he was a little kid. He’s gonna be there for a long time, and he deserves it. He is my best friend. He’s my brother. I tell him all the time, ‘Whenever something goes bad for me, I’m glad it’s me and not you.’

He’s a freaking Byronic hero, you guys. They’ve got the description of his dreamy looks and everything.

So, I’m pretty much floored. Here’s my only issue with this Pulitzer Prize worthy article:

His teammates call him Heaps, as in heaps o’ fries.

Um, not quite, but a noble effort.

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