V Vernacular

05/14/2008 (8:00 am)

Andruw: Still Breaking My Heart

Filed under: Andruw,Ex-Braves,Frenchy,Heap

I have this thing about inanimate objects, probably from watching The Brave Little Toaster too many times as a kid. I believe they should be treated with a certain degree of respect. I don’t like it when people smash guitars, and I hate that scene in Office Space when they beat up the copier. So as I’m reading through this article about Andruw’s continued struggles, I’m feeling a little sorry for him, but also relieved we don’t have to deal with it anymore, and then I come to this quote:

“. . . I’m not going to break stuff because I strike out. It’s not the bat’s fault; it’s not the helmet’s fault.”

And that kinda crushed me. What the hell happened to him, anyway?

In happier ex-Brave news, here’s a cheerful article about Devy doing well in the A’s bullpen, and making friends with fellow Braves alum Alan Embree. He recently got a win after pitching a scoreless tenth. I hope he’ll pitch in this upcoming series with Oakland. Having Kotsay on the team has been surprisingly helpful, and I’m actually glad to see Devy doing well with another team. It came to the point where I didn’t trust this one with him.

And speaking of this team. Last night. Psssh. Many thanks to Lauren for recording one of the few worthwhile moments, as I was in the car when this happened, and would have been heartbroken forever if I didn’t get to see the Dugout Reconciliation of ’08.

05/07/2008 (4:18 pm)

Kissgate ’08

Filed under: Frenchy,Heap,Skip

Man, did Sports South make a big deal about Frenchy kissing Kotsay on Sunday! How many times did they replay it? I counted at least three. I was waiting for a slow motion replay with commentary about his technique.

Personally, I found nothing especially hilarious about it. It’s pretty much in line with what we know about Frenchy already, and in terms of weird, intriguing things that Frenchy has done in the dugout, it ranks below some of the looks I’ve seen on his face this season in terms of significance. I guess it is a sign that perhaps he is coming out what has looked like a deep depression? Or a sign that he’s lost his mind entirely. Hmm.

I did enjoy the fact that, after the second replay, they cut back to the dugout at present, where Frenchy was sitting next to Heap, who was furiously biting his nails. Now that’s comedy.

In other news, I thought Skip was being a little mean to Chip on the radio last night, and I happened upon Chip being interviewed on 94.9 this morning on the way to work . . . someone called in and said the same thing! Chip did not deny it.

04/16/2008 (4:01 pm)

Something Cheerful

Filed under: Heap,Joey Devine

I haven’t posted in a week because I don’t know what to say. I was fairly certain that things would eventually go badly this year, but things went so immediately and overwhelmingly badly that jokes ain’t coming easy. But I found this lovely anecdote about Devy, who has been called up to the A’s, and thought I’d post it, to lift my own spirits if not anyone else’s.

Looks like he’s still getting dicked around by travel circumstances and prevailing — God bless you, Devy. If our bullpen is shit all year (which, yeah, not a stretch!), I will accept it as the curse of the albatross that we killed which was you. If that makes sense.

Also uplifting: Heap taking off his pants in the dugout. Disturbing, too, but still a sign of life.

04/01/2008 (6:25 pm)


Filed under: Frenchy,Heap,Skip

Two things that are kinda breaking my heart right now:

1. The idea that we don’t have too much longer with Skip on the radio. He’s cutting back his travel due to health reasons, and it’s forcing me to think about years ahead, when we won’t even have him for home games. I’m much more sentimental about Skip than I am about any Braves player (with the possible exception of the Lemmer), and when he did his “a fan from Douglasville comes away with a souvenir” bit last night, it seemed like okay, now the season has begun (even when he went on to bust my balls for being a blogger who doesn’t like Glavine, haha). One of my favorite Skip memories is from late 2006, when we were well out of the races. I was working on some research for my thesis with the game on in the background, my husband was out with some friends, and as the game got shittier and weirder (it was the night of Heap’s first ejection), Skip and Pete just threw caution to the wind and starting talking about the old radio call in show that Skip did, which I miss so much. They basically just dissolved into laughter for five minutes toward the end of the game, and I was cracking up along with them, remembering the rednecks who used to call in, and how Skip would unapologetically tell them they were idiots. I’m really grateful that he’s broadcasting at all in 2008, and I really hope he’ll be back next year.

2. This bullshit:


03/31/2008 (8:14 am)

“Mistakes Were Made”

Filed under: Chipper,Heap,Huddy

Here’s a quote from Heap in the AJC article about last night’s game:

“We made some mental mistakes on the bases early . . .”

We, Heap?

That game had a surreal feeling to it. Things went a little too perfectly for the Nationals on the night of their new stadium’s opening and in the presence of the President, and we looked like a bunch of clowns (save for Huddy, who was fantastic). And to cap it all off with a walk-off homer by Zimmerman? Psssh. I demand a full investigation!

What was Chipper doing during the national anthem? Crossing himself? Since when is he Catholic? I did enjoy his typically forthcoming therapy session with the press. “Zim put us out of our misery” is a particularly excellent Chipper quote to start the season.

03/20/2008 (5:40 pm)

Like Heap Has Ever Had Wine

Filed under: Heap

I’m trying to save money and cut back on drinking, so here’s Heap to make me feel guilty for not spending money on booze. Figures! Maybe someone will get me a case for my birthday. Thanks to Karen for the link. I need a “Heap endorsing liquor” tag.

I’m back from England and way behind on everything, for a change. I can’t believe Frenchy got hit in the face with a pitch and I didn’t offer my commentary. But I guess it wasn’t really a big deal, thank goodness. Even when DOB mentioned that Bobby told Frenchy this meant he couldn’t have sex for a few days, well. What could I possibly add to that that would not be eventually misconstrued as libelous? I was looking forward to seeing a swollen Frenchy lip on the broadcast tonight, but all reports indicate that the swelling has gone down. Boo! Though I suppose that means the sex is back on. Live it up, Frenchy, spring training is almost over.

And thank God for that! Spring training has really bored me this year, aside from the two games we saw in person. Maybe that spoiled me for keeping up with the games at home — I haven’t watched or listened to a single one! I am excited about seeing tonight’s game, maybe because the season is getting so close.

Finally, here’s a joke only two of my readers (unless there are more MST3K people I don’t know about out there) will get:

“It’ll be dark soon. The master would not approve. It’ll be dark soon.” My husband just thinks they hadn’t filled their quota of Frenchy stories for the day, so had to post the same one twice.

The rest of my spring training pictures will be posted this weekend, if anyone still cares. Soon we will have AP pictures of real baseball! Rejoice!

02/27/2008 (10:03 pm)

Headed to Orlando/Kissimmee/Buena VistaLand

Filed under: Frenchy,Heap,Preseason

We’re leaving for spring training bright and early tomorrow morning — any requests? I’m not sure what I mean by that, but probably pictures.

Speaking of pictures, check it:

Heap never fails to find the ugliest sunglasses of all time and wear them with pride. I can’t wait to again witness this phenomenon in person.

02/20/2008 (8:25 pm)

Twenty Four Years of Heap

Filed under: Heap

It’s Heap’s birthday today, and also the date of several major celestial events. Coincidence?!?!

I hope Heap gets to enjoy all of his favorite activities today, such as playing ping pong with his cardboard cut out of Frenchy:

Turns out my everyday posting is likely not going to happen until April. I’m excited about going down to spring training, but I’m finding I don’t have a lot I want to say in these final pre-preseason days. Maybe I’m just rendered speechless by the continued good (as in, not catastrophic) news about Hampton.

02/14/2008 (8:57 am)

Happy Pitchers and Catchers Day!

Filed under: Diaz,Heap

Is anyone surprised that Matty arrived seven days early? One of my wishes for this season is that he finally gets the regular starting respect he deserves. Heap also showed up as soon as possible, not surprisingly. Sadly, he will be spending Valentine’s Day without his significant other. Maybe the Australians will take him out drinking.

And if anyone out there has been daydreaming about an intimate Valentine’s Day evening with John Rocker, here’s a little sneak peek into his plans. As former Braves go, he isn’t exactly the first one I’d approach for the Valentine’s Day article. Where’s the Lemmer when you need him?

02/01/2008 (9:42 pm)

Pitchers, Catchers, and Frenchy (and Andruw)

Filed under: Frenchy,Heap,Preseason

Today is the one year anniversary of this blog, and it’s also the first day of voluntary “show up at Turner Field and dick around” day for the Braves. Well, that’s not true: the pitchers and catchers are there doing important work to prepare for spring training and the 2008 season. Frenchy, on the other hand, just showed up because he heard the AJC would be taking pictures.

But hey, that’s why I love Frenchy. I’m excited about the new season, and it’s fun just to think about the guys working out at the field while Roger furiously takes notes in his little diary. There are so many preseason issues to discuss, I don’t know where to start. All I can think at the moment is:

Heap . . .

Don’t let Frenchy cut your hair.

I’ll be posting every day from here on out, and I have a lot I want to talk about before spring training starts. But to commemorate this blog’s first full year in operation, I think just posting the first Frenchy ‘n Heap picture of the season is appropriate. (That’s Frenchy’s butt on the left.) Perhaps the first picture of These Two can be looked upon to determine the quality of the season ahead. If so: Frenchy’s butt, Heap with dorky hair. I’m not exactly sure, but I think that means we’ll get the Wild Card and lose the NLCS to the Reds. BRING IT ON.

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